What's up, Kate?

Part of me can't help but wonder what the neighbors must think. My husband disappears one day and a For Sale sign shows up in the yard the next. It reeks of divorce, doesn't it? What would you think if I told you Jon moved to Baltimore and left Owen and I behind? Still sound like marriage problems? Well, rest assured, Jon and I are still very much in love. Jon received a promotion at work and it means relocating to Baltimore, Maryland. He's already there -- has been for about a month -- and Owen and I stayed behind to handle getting the house on the market and preparing for a 350 mile move.

The original thought was that once Jon was promoted I would become a stay at home mom but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I would have been miserable without the help of a second income. I love to shop, I love vacations, I love to have money in the savings account and none of that could have happened on one income. Also, having Owen in day care has made me much more aware of just how much he loves people and other children especially. Considering neither Jon nor I are very social, I've been extremely concerned I would destroy any type of social skills Owen seems to be building already. I can sit here and tell myself about all of the trips to the zoo or library or museum we could take if I were home with him but actually doing it is an entirely different story. All of my stay at home mommy friends live in Ohio, not Maryland and I don't know that I trust myself to do these things on my own. That said, I'll continue to be a working mom, but a really amazing opportunity has stemmed from this decision. When I told my current company about my family relocating I asked if I could work out of my home in Baltimore and -- get this -- they said YES! I'll remain a working mom, but I'll be a work from home mom.

My last day at the corporate office will be June 30th. Does that date sound familiar? I lost my job on June 30, 2009. I lost my brother on June 30, 2010. I'm no longer living in fear of what devastating thing will happen on June 30, 2011. It's going to be bittersweet as I'll be remembering my brother and reflecting on the last year without him, but also reuniting with my husband after 3 months of living apart.

The last month has been strange to say the least. I'm lonely. Very, extremely lonely. I talk to Owen a lot and when he goes to bed I talk to the dog. I'm very productive since I know that if I don't do something it won't get done. The days go by so fast and yet the weeks seem to be crawling by. How is that possible? I miss Jon. He comes home every other weekend. The weekends he's home seem to go by in the blink of an eye.

Jon lives in a lovely apartment in Towson, Maryland. He has 2 bedrooms and a den, 2 baths, a bed, a dresser, a card table, some camping chairs, an old television and an Xbox 360. He uses the cardboard box from the new vacuum cleaner as a kitchen trash can and a blue Ikea bag as a laundry basket. He's bachelorin' it up again and he's even more lonely than I am. After all, I at least have Owen and the dog.

Was there an easier way to do this? Probably, but so much has already fallen into place for us that I'm absolutely positive that we chose the correct path, even if it was the harder one.

So....we're moving to Baltimore!!! Can you believe it? I can't but I'm really, really, really excited. This move opens up so many doors for us, and for Jon's career especially. We can only go up from here. The last month has sucked and I don't expect the next 2 months will be any easier but these 3 months will only be a small blip in the large scheme of our lives.

Evacuate the dance floor!

Dear Internetz,

I have a new addiction. It's Dance Central for the Kinect. I just spent 1 hour and 45 minutes DANCING, doing everything I could to score 5 stars on each song, and beat the scores of my husband's Xbox Live friends. This is funny because I'm very uncoordinated, I look ridiculous doing 99% of the moves, but I'm extremely competitive and MUST BEAT EVERYONE'S SCORE! The last time this happened an obsession with Wii Fit was born and 70 pounds were lost. So, I guess I'll see you sometime next year as I will be taking up new residence in front the family room television once again.

Love,
Kate

I found an angel in my mailbox today

The hall at my parents complex didn't work out for Owen's first birthday party so we'll have to cram the whole family into our house. I'll admit a few stress-induced tears were shed when I first found out, but the invitations arrived today (finally!) and made up for it:

 

 I say finally because I was a little late in ordering them anyway and the recent "adverse weather conditions" delayed the shipment even further -- what a mess! By the time I get them addressed and mailed the family will be lucky to have a week's notice, but hey, they're super cute so it's all good!

One very loaded statement

A text I sent to Jon midday Monday while I was dealing with extreme sinus pressure unlike any I've experienced before:

How do you manage to make it through the work day like this? I think I'd rather be giving birth...

And for those of you who don't know, since I've yet to finish Owen's birth story (it's coming soon!!) I did not receive an epidural. The sinus pressure...it was THAT BAD.

Communication breakdown

It's happening more often now and it's usually on nights when Jon is out of town. It seems Owen likes to wait until he has me all to himself to spend a good chunk of the evening yelling at me. It's not a cry--there are no tears involved--it's clenching his fists, opening his mouth wide, and yelling as loud and as long as he can until he turns bright red in the face. I know it's only because he doesn't know how to simply tell me what he wants. I know this because I spend most of this time choking back tears and anger because I can't find a way to tell him yelling at me isn't going to help either of us. We have officially reached a communication barrier. My little boy knows what he wants but he doesn't have the words to tell me what it is.

Evenings like this kill me. Evenings like this serve as an annoying reminder that I don't know what I'm doing. The panic sets in pretty quickly. I start doubting I'll ever know what I'm doing and if I'm actually capable of raising a bright and happy child. Evenings like this make me feel like I'm slowly and miserably failing motherhood.

Then something weird happens. I miraculously snap out of the doubt that is closing around me. I say so what and keep trying to find whatever it is he's looking for. We sit down. We play with blocks. He gives me a high five every time I ask for one. We watch a little Nick Jr. I give him a bath and squirt him with the little bath time fishes. He brushes his teeth while I put on his pajamas. I read him a book and when he's heard enough he touches the page and grunts. We'll finish the book tomorrow night. I set him in his crib and he reaches over to turn on his Baby Einstein fish tank. I tuck him in and kiss him good night. We'll start over again in the morning.

I'm not failing. My child is already bright and happy. It's just that motherhood makes me feel really stupid sometimes, especially when he's yelled/I've listened for hours only to find he wanted some Cheerios, but it's all part of the process. I forget that sometimes. I forget that often. He and I are teaching each other. He's searching for words and gestures to help me understand and I'm paying very close attention. I'm telling him the name of every item I hand him so that one day, in the not so distant future, he won't have to spend another evening yelling at me for lack of a better word.

12 years ago today...

my husband gave me the first of what would be many, many silly sports analogies:

"So let's say I was going for a lay up--would I make a slam dunk or would I be rejected?"

Translation: If I ask you out right now would you say yes or no?

My response:

"You never would have been rejected."

I'm not exaggerating when I say I knew long before that moment that I was going to marry him. Jon is one of the very few things in my life I saw, wanted, and pursued until I had it. Somehow I knew he was the only person who would ever truly 'get me', and 12 years later, snuggled in bed together with Owen between us and Jack at our feet, I'm pretty sure I hit a grand slam.

Why I barely slept last night

I finally called my mom for the details on renting the club house at their apartment community. Step one to planning Owen's first birthday party! Can this really be happening??

I don't know that I could handle it if the rest of my years with him go by this fast.