Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Decade+
13 years ago today I said yes to a date with the sweetest, funniest dork I knew and I'm so glad I did! Otherwise my life wouldn't be full of moments like this:
Friday, January 27, 2012
What are you, baby?
Do you think it means anything that every day I fight the urge to refer to our baby as "she"? If I were anyone else I'd say maybe, but considering I've never accurately guessed the sex of an unborn baby I'm inclined to say no. I'll be elated with either a girl or a boy but this daily slip up makes me think subconsciously I'm a hoping for a girl.
Okay, maybe it's a little more than subconsciously...
Thankfully, my curiosity will be answered one week from today!
Okay, maybe it's a little more than subconsciously...
Thankfully, my curiosity will be answered one week from today!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Should I stay or should I go?
My original plan was to do some soul searching and create an honest pros and cons list to help us decide whether we should renew our lease for another year or put ourselves back on the market for a place to live. Because despite feeling as though all I do is complain about this place, it really does have some great things going for it such as lots of space, both living and storage, and a really awesome layout. Having Owen's toy room and my office directly off the main living area has made life quite simple and enjoyable. We've also got one heck of a pool, play ground fit for a 2-year-old, gorgeous club house, and beautiful grounds to admire while walking the dog. Oh, and did I mention that when the rest of the city was trying to finish their Christmas shopping, but were really just sitting in one huge traffic jam at the shopping center parking lot, all I had to do was walk across the street? I'm pretty sure I was back home before a few of those cars found a parking space.
But before I start listing cons and run off on a tangent about The Elephant Man and the nasty laundry room and the unexpected fuzzy little visitor we had last month, I'm going to stop myself, because none of it matters.
Two weeks ago we received a letter in the mail from our leasing office stating our lease was up soon and we were required to notify them in writing if we did not wish to renew for another year. We've never rented from a big corporate establishment like this before but I assume this is pretty normal, right? Sure. The letter was dated January 9, was delivered on January 12, and thanks to many previous disagreements with our leasing office I knew to read every single line, especially the very small print at the bottom of the second page, which said we had 15 days from the date on the letter to notify them before our lease automatically renewed. Again, not so surprising. What was surprising, however, is the fact that we had until January 23rd to make a decision but our lease is not up until April 30th.
Seriously? I about died. They were requiring over three months notice or else we would be stuck here for another year. No one is going to hold a place for that amount of time which means if we leave, we leave blindly, and hope beyond hope that we find a place before April 30. Risky? Maybe. But I didn't care. If we didn't take the risk, obviously, we would be here forever. I wrote the letter stating we would be leaving and turned it in the next day.
I've never lived anywhere this short of time, but I've never lived anywhere that the negative outweighed the positive, even if there were quite a few positive attributes. Then again, I guess this was part of the plan when moving here. We didn't know the city well enough to know where we would feel most at home, and we didn't know what our lives would be like to know how much space and financial responsibility we could handle. Now, we do know the neighborhood we want to be in and we do know the type of home we want to have. Unfortunately, with another child and additional care costs on the horizon, we aren't entirely sure what the budget will look like but we have a decent idea of what we'll be working with.
So, in the battle of staying or going, we are going, and we're finding a house, and I'm really excited about that. I hate the idea of moving when I'm 9 months pregnant, but I love the idea of sleeping at night without a zoo trampling above my head, of taking a shower without the water turning freezing cold when someone in a neighboring apartment flushes the toilet, of having my own washer and dryer. I want to be in a place of comfort when this baby arrives and that can't happen here. Apartment life had a lot of potential, and I feel I was pretty optimistic about it, but this isn't the place for us. We need a home of our own.
Looks like instead of just organizing closets, I'll be packing them up.
But before I start listing cons and run off on a tangent about The Elephant Man and the nasty laundry room and the unexpected fuzzy little visitor we had last month, I'm going to stop myself, because none of it matters.
Two weeks ago we received a letter in the mail from our leasing office stating our lease was up soon and we were required to notify them in writing if we did not wish to renew for another year. We've never rented from a big corporate establishment like this before but I assume this is pretty normal, right? Sure. The letter was dated January 9, was delivered on January 12, and thanks to many previous disagreements with our leasing office I knew to read every single line, especially the very small print at the bottom of the second page, which said we had 15 days from the date on the letter to notify them before our lease automatically renewed. Again, not so surprising. What was surprising, however, is the fact that we had until January 23rd to make a decision but our lease is not up until April 30th.
Seriously? I about died. They were requiring over three months notice or else we would be stuck here for another year. No one is going to hold a place for that amount of time which means if we leave, we leave blindly, and hope beyond hope that we find a place before April 30. Risky? Maybe. But I didn't care. If we didn't take the risk, obviously, we would be here forever. I wrote the letter stating we would be leaving and turned it in the next day.
I've never lived anywhere this short of time, but I've never lived anywhere that the negative outweighed the positive, even if there were quite a few positive attributes. Then again, I guess this was part of the plan when moving here. We didn't know the city well enough to know where we would feel most at home, and we didn't know what our lives would be like to know how much space and financial responsibility we could handle. Now, we do know the neighborhood we want to be in and we do know the type of home we want to have. Unfortunately, with another child and additional care costs on the horizon, we aren't entirely sure what the budget will look like but we have a decent idea of what we'll be working with.
So, in the battle of staying or going, we are going, and we're finding a house, and I'm really excited about that. I hate the idea of moving when I'm 9 months pregnant, but I love the idea of sleeping at night without a zoo trampling above my head, of taking a shower without the water turning freezing cold when someone in a neighboring apartment flushes the toilet, of having my own washer and dryer. I want to be in a place of comfort when this baby arrives and that can't happen here. Apartment life had a lot of potential, and I feel I was pretty optimistic about it, but this isn't the place for us. We need a home of our own.
Looks like instead of just organizing closets, I'll be packing them up.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Things you shouldn't say to your pregnant wife, part 2
Me: "I think I'm finally starting to look pregnant. Can you see it?"
Jon: "Yeah, especially right here!" (gesturing to my butt)
Jon: "Yeah, especially right here!" (gesturing to my butt)
And Jon says living here is making me mean
Is it bad that 5 minutes ago, when an absurd amount of choking could be heard in the apartment upstairs, I kind of crossed my fingers and cheered it on a little bit?
Wait, don't answer that! I'm pretty sure I just confirmed my place in hell.
In case I just frightened you, please know that I could never harm a living being.
Of course, that does not mean I wouldn't have a small party should anything terrible happen to The Elephant Man.
Wait, don't answer that! I'm pretty sure I just confirmed my place in hell.
In case I just frightened you, please know that I could never harm a living being.
Of course, that does not mean I wouldn't have a small party should anything terrible happen to The Elephant Man.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Why you can't leave me in charge of paperwork
Closet 1 of 5 = done. I wasn't cool enough to take before and after photos but you will not believe what I found: a receipt for one pregnancy test dated July 2, 2009, the same day I found out I was pregnant with Owen. I don't know how that managed to hang around this long, let alone make the move, but it was a nice trip down memory lane. Then his little brother or sister kicked me and brought me back to the present.
Monday, January 9, 2012
2012: I resolve to...
1. Lay off Facebook.
While I think Facebook is a really awesome tool for keeping in touch with friends and family in other states, I also see it as a huge pain in the ass. I think part of my problem is I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I don't necessarily want to know what it is and I especially don't want it thrown in my face when my opinion may be entirely different. Facebook makes that entirely too easy. If I reacted to everything that offended or annoyed me on Facebook I would have a friends list of something like 9 people. Call me soft, call me a hypocrite, call me what you will, but seeing as I don't have the guts to do a mass friend deletion I think I'll just back off a bit and update occasionally. Besides, maybe this will stop prompting me to write an entry about how Facebook killed my blog! It is way too easy to log onto Facebook and post a quick status update as opposed to starting and finishing a blog. It's time to use Facebook only as a tool to keep friends and family updated and save the meat and potatoes for this blog.
2. Visit New York City during the holidays.
We had every intention of going this past Christmas but we didn't make the time. No excuses in 2012.
3. Blog at least twice a week.
I totally stole this resolution from a fellow blogger because it is pure genius! All these years I've been resolving to "write on a regular basis" but when your regular blogging schedule is once a month it can still leave much to be desired. Hopefully putting an actual number on it will give me a little more guidance on what is a "regular basis".
4. Organize our closets.
You'd think downsizing from a house to an apartment would be a somewhat difficult task but it wasn't in our case. Our apartment is almost the size of our house only instead of a third bedroom we have 2 walk-in closets, 3 full wall length closets, a linen closet the size of a powder room, and an additional storage area elsewhere in the building. Needless to say, we didn't have to get rid of much even though we probably should have. The only frustrating thing about all of this storage space is it was all haphazardly thrown in place before I arrived and since it was all out of sight and we were having so many troubles with The Elephant Man that we didn't intend to stay for any extended period of time there wasn't much reason to truly settle in. It's still uncertain whether we will stay or go when our lease is up in April -- the pros and cons of which I intend to weigh in a separate blog -- but I'm finding that it will be a) hard to find another apartment or townhouse with nearly this much storage and therefore forcing us to really downsize our clutter and b) hard to move all of this clutter to a new place on our own. Either way, if we stay or we go, I would like to have closets that both make even a little sense and can be somewhat easily transported.
5. Continue to grow and play with Owen and the newest little Keenan due in June!
Say whaaaaat? Did she just imply she is pregnant? Why, yes, I did! And if Facebook hadn't killed my blog you would have found out 2 months ago when everyone else did. We couldn't be more happy and excited to welcome another child into our family. I don't think Owen can truly grasp the concept of what is going to happen come this summer, however, he has taken a sudden interest and curiosity in all things baby. He is going to be a wonderful big brother and Jon and I can't be more excited to see him take on that role. Owen has been such a blessing in our lives and I know his little sibling will only bring us more joy -- lots of sleepless nights and perhaps put me back on antidepressants -- but another little Keenan will be totally worth it.
While I think Facebook is a really awesome tool for keeping in touch with friends and family in other states, I also see it as a huge pain in the ass. I think part of my problem is I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I don't necessarily want to know what it is and I especially don't want it thrown in my face when my opinion may be entirely different. Facebook makes that entirely too easy. If I reacted to everything that offended or annoyed me on Facebook I would have a friends list of something like 9 people. Call me soft, call me a hypocrite, call me what you will, but seeing as I don't have the guts to do a mass friend deletion I think I'll just back off a bit and update occasionally. Besides, maybe this will stop prompting me to write an entry about how Facebook killed my blog! It is way too easy to log onto Facebook and post a quick status update as opposed to starting and finishing a blog. It's time to use Facebook only as a tool to keep friends and family updated and save the meat and potatoes for this blog.
2. Visit New York City during the holidays.
We had every intention of going this past Christmas but we didn't make the time. No excuses in 2012.
3. Blog at least twice a week.
I totally stole this resolution from a fellow blogger because it is pure genius! All these years I've been resolving to "write on a regular basis" but when your regular blogging schedule is once a month it can still leave much to be desired. Hopefully putting an actual number on it will give me a little more guidance on what is a "regular basis".
4. Organize our closets.
You'd think downsizing from a house to an apartment would be a somewhat difficult task but it wasn't in our case. Our apartment is almost the size of our house only instead of a third bedroom we have 2 walk-in closets, 3 full wall length closets, a linen closet the size of a powder room, and an additional storage area elsewhere in the building. Needless to say, we didn't have to get rid of much even though we probably should have. The only frustrating thing about all of this storage space is it was all haphazardly thrown in place before I arrived and since it was all out of sight and we were having so many troubles with The Elephant Man that we didn't intend to stay for any extended period of time there wasn't much reason to truly settle in. It's still uncertain whether we will stay or go when our lease is up in April -- the pros and cons of which I intend to weigh in a separate blog -- but I'm finding that it will be a) hard to find another apartment or townhouse with nearly this much storage and therefore forcing us to really downsize our clutter and b) hard to move all of this clutter to a new place on our own. Either way, if we stay or we go, I would like to have closets that both make even a little sense and can be somewhat easily transported.
5. Continue to grow and play with Owen and the newest little Keenan due in June!
Say whaaaaat? Did she just imply she is pregnant? Why, yes, I did! And if Facebook hadn't killed my blog you would have found out 2 months ago when everyone else did. We couldn't be more happy and excited to welcome another child into our family. I don't think Owen can truly grasp the concept of what is going to happen come this summer, however, he has taken a sudden interest and curiosity in all things baby. He is going to be a wonderful big brother and Jon and I can't be more excited to see him take on that role. Owen has been such a blessing in our lives and I know his little sibling will only bring us more joy -- lots of sleepless nights and perhaps put me back on antidepressants -- but another little Keenan will be totally worth it.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Heat Wave!
What do you do when it's January, 65 degrees, and extremely sunny outside? First, you take down all the Christmas decorations, then you throw on your spring jackets and shoes and make the short trek up to the playground to soak up all the rays and fun!
I truly thought we'd hit the jackpot when winter arrived and we hadn't seen but 2 days below 60 degrees by the start of the new year. Unfortunately, most of the locals have told me this weather is not the norm. Either way, I'm enjoying my first winter away from lake effect snow and arctic winds. Owen just loves all the extra opportunities to hit the slides.
Climbing up the rock wall where he may have received a little help from Daddy.
He kept peeking through the holes and saying "Cheeeeeeese!" but I was never fast enough to catch the smile.
Gotta stop to steer the ship in the right direction...
Sometimes he likes the swings and I thought this might be one of those days.
I was wrong.
Slide trip #13,586. I love him.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
2011 Self-review
You know what's really awesome about having so many years worth of recorded resolutions and self reviews? Having the opportunity to look back on them once a year and give yourself a pat on the back for a) writing them so well even you enjoy re-reading them, and b) having the guts to be so brutally honest. I always forget this about myself -- that I have no shame when beating myself over the head via blogging -- and damn, I can write like the best of 'em! It's just a matter of, you know, actually doing it.
2011 was one very challenging and exciting year. Jon accepted a promotion that moved our little family to Baltimore, Maryland -- 350 miles away from home -- but not before Owen and I got to endure 3 months of life without him. This year I learned to have the utmost respect for single mothers and I didn't even have to do it on one income!
We finally met Jon in Baltimore in July and found that life here is somehow more calm and more exciting at the same time. I suppose this is what happens when you reunite with the missing 1/3 of your family and find yourself living in a city with all new places to entertain yourself and with simple day trips to Washington, D.C., Philadelphia, New York City, the east coast. I lived a rather sheltered life as a kid -- I knew our block like the back of my hand but very rarely even ventured to the neighboring city -- and having new adventures and the means to explore them with Owen feels so awesome. We truly are lucky.
Yesterday I admitted to a friend that moving away from so many great friends and all of our family was really hard, and I do get extremely homesick from time to time, but given the choice, I would definitely do it all over again. While we are very much still building our lives here, I do feel very confident when I say we are where we belong. Baltimore is slowly but surely becoming home.
Anyway, in true Deciphering Kate fashion, I am incapable of posting any new resolutions before reviewing how strong the previous year's held up. Let's give it go, shall we?
1. Be more positive.
How can I even begin to compare my outlook on life last year to now? Someone turned on the lights? Pulled the scarf from my eyes? Cleared the clouds from head? Reached into the six foot grave I had buried myself in, grabbed my hand, and gently pulled me out while screaming "You don't have to live like this!"? I'm not sure any of those descriptions are really strong enough. I'm not sure how it even happened. All I know is that girl was in a very dark place and couldn't find a way out. But something or someone helped her out because she's not there anymore. She's actually quite happy.
2. Make time for myself.
This one had to come in baby steps: self pedicures while catching up with the DVR, making a break for it on the occasional Thursday evening and exploring the city by myself (sometimes with GPS, sometimes without depending on how adventurous I was feeling), ignoring the stack of junk mail on the dining room table for a week. Then some time in the last few months I caught myself watching entire seasons of One Tree Hill on Netflix on-demand. I watched 6 seasons in just over a months span. Aw crap! Did I just admit that? Well, it shows that I've learned to make time for myself, right? Don't worry, Grey's Anatomy returns tonight so I'll be able to reinstate my taste in evening soap operas momentarily.
3. Continue to play and grow with Owen.
There was a time during that 3 month period of living apart from Jon when I would have scoffed at and thrown out this resolution had I remembered it. Owen and I did not get along. In fact, Owen did not like most anyone. Owen only wanted his daddy and it broke my heart that I didn't have an immediate fix for him. The funny thing is it didn't even fix itself after moving to Baltimore and living with Jon again. Owen was still convinced his daddy was going to leave and he'd be stuck with ME, the horrible, evil Mommy who isn't half as cool as Daddy. It took another 3 months for Owen to realize neither of us were going anywhere and when he finally had that realization, I was rewarded with the most amazing hugs and kisses! He smiles at me, he yells "MAMA!" like a big, Italian man who hasn't seen his mother in years even if it's only been a few hours, he takes my hand, says "Up!" and leads me to whatever he wants to show me, and he realized that it broke my heart a little when he stopped letting me rock him to sleep and he let me rock him again. Owen is the most absolutely amazing and curious creature I have ever laid eyes on. Every day I'm dazzled by the way his mind works and the joy he finds in such little things. Every night I fight the urge to wake him up so we can play and explore more. We may have had a rocky start, and I may have had my doubts along the way, but right now, at this moment, I can tell you without doubt that I have never known love like what I have for Owen and to have that love reciprocated is the best gift any woman can ever ask for.
4. Find a confidant.
Shortly after making this resolution I realized I have many confidants. For such a quiet and reserved person I seem to put a lot of my business out there, on this blog, on Facebook, in a text message, in person or over the phone. I actually have a very hard time keeping things in and often find myself sharing it with EVERYONE. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm not entirely sure what I was looking for from this resolution and I am actually quite happy with my current means of confiding.
5. Cover my family in bubble wrap and place them in a padded room.
Seeing as my father died back in October this goes down as an EPIC FAIL but at the time of writing I could not have known I would be moving to another state therefore making it much harder to keep everyone safe. Bubble wrap and a padded room would not have helped my father anyway. For what it's worth, I always felt the new distance made my father and I closer somehow. We actually had to put serious effort into keeping in touch and he was so willing to put in the effort that it warmed my heart. I love you, Dad.
As always, this year's resolutions coming soon...hopefully before I break them all!
2011 was one very challenging and exciting year. Jon accepted a promotion that moved our little family to Baltimore, Maryland -- 350 miles away from home -- but not before Owen and I got to endure 3 months of life without him. This year I learned to have the utmost respect for single mothers and I didn't even have to do it on one income!
We finally met Jon in Baltimore in July and found that life here is somehow more calm and more exciting at the same time. I suppose this is what happens when you reunite with the missing 1/3 of your family and find yourself living in a city with all new places to entertain yourself and with simple day trips to Washington, D.C., Philadelphia, New York City, the east coast. I lived a rather sheltered life as a kid -- I knew our block like the back of my hand but very rarely even ventured to the neighboring city -- and having new adventures and the means to explore them with Owen feels so awesome. We truly are lucky.
Yesterday I admitted to a friend that moving away from so many great friends and all of our family was really hard, and I do get extremely homesick from time to time, but given the choice, I would definitely do it all over again. While we are very much still building our lives here, I do feel very confident when I say we are where we belong. Baltimore is slowly but surely becoming home.
Anyway, in true Deciphering Kate fashion, I am incapable of posting any new resolutions before reviewing how strong the previous year's held up. Let's give it go, shall we?
1. Be more positive.
How can I even begin to compare my outlook on life last year to now? Someone turned on the lights? Pulled the scarf from my eyes? Cleared the clouds from head? Reached into the six foot grave I had buried myself in, grabbed my hand, and gently pulled me out while screaming "You don't have to live like this!"? I'm not sure any of those descriptions are really strong enough. I'm not sure how it even happened. All I know is that girl was in a very dark place and couldn't find a way out. But something or someone helped her out because she's not there anymore. She's actually quite happy.
2. Make time for myself.
This one had to come in baby steps: self pedicures while catching up with the DVR, making a break for it on the occasional Thursday evening and exploring the city by myself (sometimes with GPS, sometimes without depending on how adventurous I was feeling), ignoring the stack of junk mail on the dining room table for a week. Then some time in the last few months I caught myself watching entire seasons of One Tree Hill on Netflix on-demand. I watched 6 seasons in just over a months span. Aw crap! Did I just admit that? Well, it shows that I've learned to make time for myself, right? Don't worry, Grey's Anatomy returns tonight so I'll be able to reinstate my taste in evening soap operas momentarily.
3. Continue to play and grow with Owen.
There was a time during that 3 month period of living apart from Jon when I would have scoffed at and thrown out this resolution had I remembered it. Owen and I did not get along. In fact, Owen did not like most anyone. Owen only wanted his daddy and it broke my heart that I didn't have an immediate fix for him. The funny thing is it didn't even fix itself after moving to Baltimore and living with Jon again. Owen was still convinced his daddy was going to leave and he'd be stuck with ME, the horrible, evil Mommy who isn't half as cool as Daddy. It took another 3 months for Owen to realize neither of us were going anywhere and when he finally had that realization, I was rewarded with the most amazing hugs and kisses! He smiles at me, he yells "MAMA!" like a big, Italian man who hasn't seen his mother in years even if it's only been a few hours, he takes my hand, says "Up!" and leads me to whatever he wants to show me, and he realized that it broke my heart a little when he stopped letting me rock him to sleep and he let me rock him again. Owen is the most absolutely amazing and curious creature I have ever laid eyes on. Every day I'm dazzled by the way his mind works and the joy he finds in such little things. Every night I fight the urge to wake him up so we can play and explore more. We may have had a rocky start, and I may have had my doubts along the way, but right now, at this moment, I can tell you without doubt that I have never known love like what I have for Owen and to have that love reciprocated is the best gift any woman can ever ask for.
4. Find a confidant.
Shortly after making this resolution I realized I have many confidants. For such a quiet and reserved person I seem to put a lot of my business out there, on this blog, on Facebook, in a text message, in person or over the phone. I actually have a very hard time keeping things in and often find myself sharing it with EVERYONE. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm not entirely sure what I was looking for from this resolution and I am actually quite happy with my current means of confiding.
5. Cover my family in bubble wrap and place them in a padded room.
Seeing as my father died back in October this goes down as an EPIC FAIL but at the time of writing I could not have known I would be moving to another state therefore making it much harder to keep everyone safe. Bubble wrap and a padded room would not have helped my father anyway. For what it's worth, I always felt the new distance made my father and I closer somehow. We actually had to put serious effort into keeping in touch and he was so willing to put in the effort that it warmed my heart. I love you, Dad.
As always, this year's resolutions coming soon...hopefully before I break them all!
How we manage to eat in sit-down restaurants with an impatient toddler
Set to play on constant loop and hand over the iPhone:
We may be frying brain cells but he looks so studiously cute that the other patrons have no clue:
We may be frying brain cells but he looks so studiously cute that the other patrons have no clue:
Sunday, January 1, 2012
I'll remember you fondly
With the new year comes the overwhelming urge to end over two months of silence but the only way to do that is to write the words I've been trying to avoid for 2 months, 2 weeks, and 1 day:
My father passed away on October 17, 2011.
I still don't have the words to describe how I feel about the loss only that I miss him very much. One thing I do have to say is that somehow, even though the importance of a father cannot be measured, the loss of mine carries a much different feeling than any of the other losses I've experienced in recent years. The love and admiration I'd come to find in and have for my dad was astonishing, yet his death has not left me with a painful void in my chest every time I think of him. Instead, I have a soft place in my heart filled with fond memories and the feeling of being so blessed to have had as much time with him as I did.
My father's death could not have come as a surprise to any of us. He'd already survived three heart attacks, the first one being nearly 20 years ago, and even though he'd made great strides in improving his health in recent years, test results showed that much of the damage was already done and there was no turning around his own case of type 2 diabetes and congestive heart failure. He did what he could to make the best of it, finally started to treasure the time he had with us, and he didn't let anyone but my mom know just how much pain he was actually in.
What I do know is this: My dad lived a full life. He was married to the love of his life for 44 years with children, grandchildren, and even great grandchildren. No hobby of his went unstudied. He had no shortage of friends who would do anything for him. There was nothing he could look back on in regret. That, to me, is a very full life.
So like I said, I miss my father. I miss our Wednesday Skype nights, the way he played the maracas with Owen, being able to call him for moral support every time I encounter (and have to kill) an ugly, scary bug, and his comforting presence in general, but I can't say that I am overwhelmed with grief by this loss.
I loved my father and he knew it. I can't say that I have any regrets there either.
I wrote a little something to read at his funeral, and surprisingly, I managed to do so without tearing up. In fact, I may have even laughed a little. I know he appreciated that. I thought I'd copy it here for safe keeping:
My dad liked to jokingly refer to his status in the family as 'the bottom of the barrel' or sometimes, if he was feeling particularly dramatic, he'd say he was 'the scum seeping out of a crack at the bottom of the barrel'. He said all of this with a big grin hiding behind his beard. He liked to pretend he was forgotten often but we all knew he was well aware of his importance in our family -- that we all revolved around him just as much as we do our mother -- all 6 children, 17 grand children, and 3 great grand children with another on the way. There is no denying your importance when you are the co-creator of a family this large and full of genuinely good people.
When it came to raising us my parents roles were easily defined: mom was always good cop and dad was always bad cop (unless you asked for something when dad was asleep, then he simply said 'go ask your mother' which was always a given yes!) Dad was typically the enforcer and he actually managed to do it quietly, at least until you either a) talked back to him, or b) disrespected our mother in anyway. I used to think it was our mother who was there to raise us and he was there simply to protect her from us. Now that I am older with a child of my own, I know better. My father, in his own way, was raising us to become kind and respectful adults.
Despite several heart attacks -- each one leaving him a little more bony and pale than the last -- my father grew much softer with age. He left behind his enforcer uniform to reveal a man you couldn't help but adore. He was passionate about his hobbies and eager to share them. His heart, though physically weaker, kept growing bigger with interest and love for his family. He was genuinely excited to see us and he was so openly proud of us all.
One of my strongest memories of my father is on the day of my wedding. I was so excited and nervous that I was nearly running down the aisle, dragging him behind me, when he suddenly chuckled, tightened his grip on my arm and said, "Slow down, Kate, enjoy this moment while it lasts."
I took his advice that day and continued to do so for years to come. I enjoyed every last moment I had with him.
My father passed away on October 17, 2011.
I still don't have the words to describe how I feel about the loss only that I miss him very much. One thing I do have to say is that somehow, even though the importance of a father cannot be measured, the loss of mine carries a much different feeling than any of the other losses I've experienced in recent years. The love and admiration I'd come to find in and have for my dad was astonishing, yet his death has not left me with a painful void in my chest every time I think of him. Instead, I have a soft place in my heart filled with fond memories and the feeling of being so blessed to have had as much time with him as I did.
My father's death could not have come as a surprise to any of us. He'd already survived three heart attacks, the first one being nearly 20 years ago, and even though he'd made great strides in improving his health in recent years, test results showed that much of the damage was already done and there was no turning around his own case of type 2 diabetes and congestive heart failure. He did what he could to make the best of it, finally started to treasure the time he had with us, and he didn't let anyone but my mom know just how much pain he was actually in.
What I do know is this: My dad lived a full life. He was married to the love of his life for 44 years with children, grandchildren, and even great grandchildren. No hobby of his went unstudied. He had no shortage of friends who would do anything for him. There was nothing he could look back on in regret. That, to me, is a very full life.
So like I said, I miss my father. I miss our Wednesday Skype nights, the way he played the maracas with Owen, being able to call him for moral support every time I encounter (and have to kill) an ugly, scary bug, and his comforting presence in general, but I can't say that I am overwhelmed with grief by this loss.
I loved my father and he knew it. I can't say that I have any regrets there either.
I wrote a little something to read at his funeral, and surprisingly, I managed to do so without tearing up. In fact, I may have even laughed a little. I know he appreciated that. I thought I'd copy it here for safe keeping:
My dad liked to jokingly refer to his status in the family as 'the bottom of the barrel' or sometimes, if he was feeling particularly dramatic, he'd say he was 'the scum seeping out of a crack at the bottom of the barrel'. He said all of this with a big grin hiding behind his beard. He liked to pretend he was forgotten often but we all knew he was well aware of his importance in our family -- that we all revolved around him just as much as we do our mother -- all 6 children, 17 grand children, and 3 great grand children with another on the way. There is no denying your importance when you are the co-creator of a family this large and full of genuinely good people.
When it came to raising us my parents roles were easily defined: mom was always good cop and dad was always bad cop (unless you asked for something when dad was asleep, then he simply said 'go ask your mother' which was always a given yes!) Dad was typically the enforcer and he actually managed to do it quietly, at least until you either a) talked back to him, or b) disrespected our mother in anyway. I used to think it was our mother who was there to raise us and he was there simply to protect her from us. Now that I am older with a child of my own, I know better. My father, in his own way, was raising us to become kind and respectful adults.
Despite several heart attacks -- each one leaving him a little more bony and pale than the last -- my father grew much softer with age. He left behind his enforcer uniform to reveal a man you couldn't help but adore. He was passionate about his hobbies and eager to share them. His heart, though physically weaker, kept growing bigger with interest and love for his family. He was genuinely excited to see us and he was so openly proud of us all.
One of my strongest memories of my father is on the day of my wedding. I was so excited and nervous that I was nearly running down the aisle, dragging him behind me, when he suddenly chuckled, tightened his grip on my arm and said, "Slow down, Kate, enjoy this moment while it lasts."
I took his advice that day and continued to do so for years to come. I enjoyed every last moment I had with him.
Owen and Grandpa, June 2010
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