Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Back at Square One

I’ve been mostly focused on my fitness and nutrition goals lately. I think I hit rock bottom sometime in late April when I realized I had lost a whopping 3 pounds for the entire month, and while any progress is good, 3 pounds in 5 weeks is embarrassing. I have done and can do better than that. It was also in late April that I realized The Year of Great Weight Loss was nearing an end and I want to get as close to a 70-pound loss as possible. I don’t think I can quite reach 70—not in a healthy way at least—but I should be able to get pretty damn close.

I stopped in at Target last Saturday to see if I could finally fit into a size 12 jeans. I was disappointed that the only size 12 I could find were distinctly labeled as “skinny jeans” but I tried anyway. I was nearly out of breath by the time I got the jeans over my calves (the most muscular part of my body) but the rest was a breeze. They looked good in the thighs, butt, and yes, finally, my waist. Despite losing a quarter of my original body weight I am still the ashamed owner of the world’s largest muffin top and even the slightest pinch at my waist can magnify the muffin top by a thousand. That means I’ve spent the last 3 months wearing an extremely loose fitting size 14 because a size 12 made it look like my circulation was getting cut off at the waist. I contemplated buying the skinny jeans for sentimental reasons, but then I vetoed the idea after a moment panic and nearly calling the dressing room attendant to help me pull the jeans off of my calves. I guess I’ll have to wait until I can find them in boot cut.

During the same shopping trip I realized I don’t know how clothes are supposed to fit. I’m constantly afraid that I’m missing some unspoken rule about how much “fitted” is acceptable. For example, I found a very basic, black, fitted shirt that I felt truly showed my weight loss and that’s saying something because it’s still a rarity for me to notice the change in my body shape. The only problem I found was there was still the faintest hint of muffin top and love handles down around the waist. I felt perfectly comfortable in the top, but there was this tiny voice in my head that said if I wore it in public I would be pointed out and laughed at for being the fat girl in a little shirt.

So I ask you, dear reader, where do you draw the line? Is the outline of a few small, visible chubs and curves acceptable, or am I doomed to where tent like t-shirts down to my knees for another year?


Stacy said...

Should you find a pair of bootcut size 12 jeans, you and I can share clothes! Congratulations Kate, I am so proud of you. It's funny that I think you look fantastic and I find myself disgusting. It's all about perspective...if you're comfortable wearing the semi-clingy clothing, then wear it. Know that you're more amazing than anyone who might be calling you the fat girl in the little shirt. You are healthy, active, and accomplished. If people think I'm the fat girl in the little shirt, their assumptions that I'm lazy and eat like a pig are correct, so I'm not comfortable wearing it.

Kate said...

Awww...thank you! I'm proud of myself too, but there is so much second-guessing going on in my head 24/7 that it's also a little maddening. For example, I'm now convinced that I either grabbed a mislabeled pair of jeans or Target's sizing is off because there is no way I could fit into the same size jeans as you. I've got a few more months worth of crunches to do before I could do that.

By the way, I've never seen you eat like a pig. In fact, more often than not, you've chosen a much more healthy, portion-controlled meal than me when we've gone out. :-)

Stacy said...

I'm two pounds away from Crave according to today's scale. But I think I'd like to save our outing (no, I did not forget, I just never really got motivated until recently) until after the beach vacation in June. I'm doing really good right now and I need not interrupt it. I'm not as strong as you yet (-:

Kate said...

Yay! I'll be ready whenever you are.

Stephanie said...

I say wear the fitted shirt loud and proud! Thinking of where you were a year ago, I am so proud of you! YOu were the ONLY one who stuck with our weekend pact to loose weight! Since I am now in a freakin 16, I'll try to bring you a bag of old 12's when we go camping. Lord knows it will be a long time before i fit in them again.