Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Things I Learned in Las Vegas

1. This city doesn't need slot machines or Black Jack tables to sucker you out of your last dime. Two words: "complimentary" and "gratuity" will drive you to the poor house in no time.

2. If you are of the female persuasion and you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being in Planet Hollywood late on a Friday night and can't figure out why you're so uncomfortable, here's a hint: You Have Too Many Clothes On! Head back to your hotel, change into the skimpiest, most revealing boob shirt you brought with you, and you'll fit right in. Trust me.

3. The Hoover Dam has the perfect place to hide that dead body...

4. Katie + first ever flight take off = total meltdown.

5. All those people who say, "Don't worry, Las Vegas is a dry heat! It will be a lot more comfortable than the humidity in Ohio!" need to be slapped. HARD. Dry or not, 109 degrees is fucking HOT and extremely uncomfortable.

6. This city was made for me--about 5 months ago--when I could drink, smoke, not worry about how I'll pay for future child care, and could stand in the sun for longer than 2 seconds before acquiring a 3rd degree burn.

7. Bus doing 50 mph on the open desert road + flock of dumb birds = :( on windshield.

8. If you think New York City is a melting pot, you haven't seen anything until you visit the Grand Canyon. My favorite was a pretty girl with a New Zealand accent who stood at the edge, calling out the name of each pose before her boyfriend snapped a photo..."Zoolanda!", "Uh Oh!", "Madonna!"

9. Cheesy photo ops are just around every corner. Like this one about Loose sluts..I mean slots!

10. You CAN listen to the same song over and over for 2.5 hours while driving through the dark desert, especially when that song is "Record Year for Rainfall" by The Decemberists.

11. I'm cheap. I gambled 10 dollars. I lost 10 dollars and gave up.

12. It takes 4.5 hours to drive to the Grand Canyon and all of 20 minutes to fly over it from McCarran International Airport.

13. You can be quiet and polite, or you can be loud and profane, either way, that shuttle driver isn't giving in until the overheated pregnant lady starts shouting fightin' words.

14. I finally understand why Westerners say Ohio is so Green. Dear Westerners, I'm so sorry for looking at you like you've lost your marbles. I get it now!

15. Jon + camera + Las Vegas = blurry photos every time.

16. Don't believe everything you see on CSI.

17. Did you get on the bus on a Friday night? Don't worry, you'll reach your hotel--it may be next week, or maybe even next year--but you will get there eventually...

18. Never underestimate the Hispanic men handing out hooker cards. They WILL reach across your pregnant wife to try and entice you with the photo card of a naked prostitute.

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