Things I Learned in New York City

1. Don't bother saying "Excuse me." The natives don't care and the foreigners can't understand.

2. In a cafe full of construction workers it is every man for himself. The fastest road to breakfast is with a loud voice and pointy elbows.

3. Russian women are most entertaining when trying on shoes without a mirror. They will grunt, stomp their size 11 Gucci heels, and exclaim "I cunt see enyting!"

4. Don't Eat the Nuts! You have no idea whose hands have been in there.

5. Forget trying on shoes; the oversized benches in the middle of Century 21 are best for looking studiously aloof while beginning your "Things I Learned in New York City" list.

6. Subways are quite possibly the coolest thing in the world, but understanding how to get from Point A to Point B is an art form all its own.

7. Movies give cab drivers a bad rap. I mean, our driver only narrowly missed three pedestrians and half a dozen stationary objects.

8. I know how ants feel.

9. New Yorkers do not care if you've only had two hours of sleep. You better keep moving.

10. The Empire State Building is magnificent, but the elevator ride back down is a doozy.

11. I wish I could have seen the World Trade Center.

12. The vendors in Chinatown are only trying to sell you knock-off designer handbags and perfumes, but the monotone advertisement they whisper in your ear as you walk by somehow feels threatening.

13. My new record is standing through 5 subway stops without falling on my ass.

14. If your companion asks if you would like to share a sandwich while having dinner at a deli say Yes. That is too much food for only one person to consume.

15. I keep saying I could never live there, but it's only two days later and I'm already itching to go back.