Wednesday, November 19, 2008

And We've Only Seen 3 Inches

I promised myself that I wouldn't gripe too much about the weather this winter, but I bet you've noticed my silence. I have to find a balance between writing for pleasure and complaining about snow, so I just have this one story to tell and then I swear I'll find more interesting things to write about--like the other morning when I walked into the kitchen to find the empty carton to a six pack of beer on the counter top and a bottle opener in the refrigerator. The best part about that story is that he doesn't remember a thing about it.

So anyway, back to the weather.

If the last two days of snow are any indication of what we're in store for this winter then I know two things for sure: 1) It is going to be an absolutely beautiful winter, and 2) I will be unemployed by the end of it. If I have to spend even one more night fighting traffic for TWO hours to get home I may just gladly give my house and cars and other expensive belongings back to the bank if it meant finding a new job within walking distance. That was two hours spent banging my hands against the steering wheel and screaming, "How long have you lived in Ohio, asshole?! Why the fuck do you have to relearn how to drive in snow every year?!" Yeah, road rage is rare for me, but when it hits, I talk like a trucker.

So yeah, here I am sitting in traffic for a really long time, and despite my cold demeanor I'm actually very, very scared. I was really confused by my fear because I'm a good driver, probably even more so in the snow because I'm that much more cautious. I know all of the rules--slow down, keep good distance from the car in front of you, pump your brakes, and keep your hands on the wheel at all times. It's really not that hard, just be careful, and watch out for the idiot in the SUV who thinks they're invincible.

I felt the strangest thing driving home last night, slowly creeping along in unison with hundreds of cars ahead of and behind me. I had all of these people around me, and yet I felt so incredibly lonely and scared. The loneliness was understandable because I wanted to have someone in the car with me, to talk to, to help the time pass, but the fear was confusing because I felt I had mastered the snowy, icy roads of last winter and as little as a few days ago, I felt completely ready to meet them, but here I was on the second real snowfall of the year, ready to cry like a baby because I was afraid of dying. That's the only difference I can find between this year and last--I wasn't afraid of dying last year. I wasn't necessarily suicidal, but I didn't have any enthusiasm to keep going either.

This year is entirely different. I feel like a frosty film has been lifted away from my entire body and I can see and hear and feel things so much more clear now. I want to live. I don't want to die in some random car crash on slick roads.

There was a postcard on PostSecret a couple of weeks ago that could have been my own if only I had been genius enough to come up with it. It said something along the lines of, "We have never been more poor, or more in love." Man, I really wish I could remember the exact wording but my memory is sucking at the moment. Anyway, I feel that that is undeniably true in my life right now. I have never felt more strapped or confined in my life, but I truly feel more happy and free than ever (read: I hope these people can learn how to drive in winter again, because I want to keep kicking).

1 comment:

Paper Persuasions - an invitation studio said...

That post card is the only one that has stuck with me in the longest time. It was a cut and past anniversary card. The pasted part was "wishing you the happiest kind of anniversary"...then at the bottom in very bold but lowercase letters it said:

13 years
we have never been more poor
or more in love

*isn't it crazy how clear everything becomes when you stop watching and start living?