Monday, November 3, 2008

Pick Me Up

“Are you binge eating?”


“Then why are you shoving handfuls of Doritos and M&Ms into your mouth?”

“It’s called emotional eating. It only looks like binge eating because I’m trying to get happy very, very quickly.”

“Don't be stupid. It’s not worth it, Kate.”

I’m going to ignore the fact that Jon was stumbling drunk when we had this conversation and take away from it what I can.

This weekend from Saturday morning on was pretty rough. I think it was mostly due to a lack of sleep on Friday night and taking part in a lot of over-thinking. I let all of my fears and worries roll up into one big ball and I let down my emotional guard, releasing a flood of teary gibberish on everyone I saw, but fortunately I didn’t see many people.

I won’t go into a lot of detail for the sake of privacy, and also because sometimes I can’t explain why I react to things the way I do, sometimes I fall off my rocker without good reason and once I’ve fallen I decide to wallow in it for a while. When in Rome…

When I pulled away from my emotional distress I came to the understanding that although it may not always end on a pleasant note, every relationship with every person I've ever known has had a purpose. And even though I've always criticized Jon for not being as empathetic and understanding as I feel I need in a time of sadness, I realized that he isn't here to coddle me. At a time when I think all I want to do is stare at the ceiling for days, he's there to tell me to snap out of it and pull myself together. He won't sugarcoat anything and most of the time he doesn't let me ramble on and on about what's bothering me, but this is a good thing, because somehow he understands that letting me ramble is only going to let me wallow all the longer.

All these years I'd thought Jon was a little callous and completely unsympathetic to my needs, but I've finally realized that his purpose in my life is the most important--Jon's purpose is to make me a stronger person.

All those years I spent writing about being stuck in a hole that I couldn't climb out of, so I was given a guy who's willing to stand at the top of that hole forever and demand that I climb back out every time I slip.

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