Removing the anvil from my chest

I logged on to Facebook today and while scrolling through the news feed, I found a friend of mine shared a link regarding the decline of parents opting to have their little boys circumcised and her excitement at the news. Given the debatable subject of the article I knew it was bound to create a few opinionated posts, and being the nosy Facebooker that I am I decided to read the comments. Bottom line, I should have known better, but what can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment.

One thing I want to make clear is this has nothing to do with the friend who posted the link because she is truly a wonderful person and I value her advice in both parenting and lifestyle. I'm writing this now because the emotions I took away from her post reminded me of a topic that has plagued me during my entire time as a mother. It just so happens that her innocent and maybe even random re-posting of an article and some of the responses gave me the words to do so.

***

The following was too long to add to any comment thread:

I love my children with every fiber of my being. They are my entire world and the thought of anything ever happening to remove them from that world sends chills down my spine, creates a painful emptiness in my chest and completely removes my will to live. And that's just the thought that anything could happen. Every single decision in our lives, big or small, important or seemingly irrelevant, is made with them in mind. Every decision I have ever had to make as a parent, some even prior to becoming pregnant the first time, was made to keep us all functioning and happy and healthy to the best of my human abilities. I do the research, I ask for advice, I sit down and contemplate and try to envision every possible outcome, and then roll all of that into one final decision that will keep us moving as a solid unit.

I like to think this makes me a good mother. I have to believe this makes me a good mother. I have to remind myself all the time amidst debates on staying at home versus working, breastfeeding versus formula, vaccinating or not, circumcising or not, I made all of these very tricky decisions with Owen in mind. I made them to the very best of my knowledge with ALL of us in mind because we have to work as a whole. And I have to tell myself this makes me a great mother because based on some things I've read online I've already failed miserably despite putting my children first.

I breastfed for seven months. They were the darkest, scariest seven months of my life. I'm alternating between typing and sobbing right now as I force myself to go back there and find the words to describe it for you. Medication didn't work. I had this precious, beautiful little boy with bright eyes and the sweetest smile looking up at me every day and I couldn't return the favor. I never wanted to hurt him...just myself, very badly. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that if I ended my own pain by hurting myself I would in turn be hurting him. Strangely, the only thing that kept me alive was him and my unwillingness to give up on him. But it was my unwillingness to accept that breastfeeding, at that time, was not right for me and my inability to put the peer pressure and the everlasting battle between breastfeeding and bottle-feeding behind me that kept me in that horrific and depressing state in the first place! I tried to do what the majority of other mothers said was the only correct choice, and I fought a very scary bout of postpartum depression that was only prolonged by the breastfeeding, and I nearly did more harm than good.

So all you moms can come and yell at me for giving my child formula for the remaining five months of his first year, and for being fully prepared to do the same with the child that is in my womb should the same circumstances arise the second time around. You can scold me and tell me how selfish I am for not giving my child the best start possible. Go ahead. I won't listen. I will continue to make the choices that are best for MY children and OUR family and I will NEVER judge a woman for opting against breastfeeding. After all, how am I possibly giving my child the best start if it puts me in such a dark place that I can barely see him?

In my world, making the decision to stay at home or work, to breastfeed or use formula, organic or inorganic, to vaccinate or not, to circumcise or not, to baptize or not, to home school or private school or public school does not add or reduce value to your motherhood. What matters is that you give your children as much love and attention and safety and guidance as you possibly can. Help them become strong, confident, thoughtful, brave little people. Offer the support necessary to carry those traits into adulthood and their own parenthood. That alone will determine your value in motherhood.

***

For the record, Owen is circumcised. It wasn't until I learned we were having a little boy that I was made aware of an option not to. Jon and I sat down and talked about it, and I asked him if, given the choice again, he would opt to have the procedure done and he said "Yes." And since I lack a penis and the mountain of pride that seems to be held there, who am I to argue?

2012: I resolve to...

1. Lay off Facebook.
While I think Facebook is a really awesome tool for keeping in touch with friends and family in other states, I also see it as a huge pain in the ass. I think part of my problem is I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I don't necessarily want to know what it is and I especially don't want it thrown in my face when my opinion may be entirely different. Facebook makes that entirely too easy. If I reacted to everything that offended or annoyed me on Facebook I would have a friends list of something like 9 people. Call me soft, call me a hypocrite, call me what you will, but seeing as I don't have the guts to do a mass friend deletion I think I'll just back off a bit and update occasionally. Besides, maybe this will stop prompting me to write an entry about how Facebook killed my blog! It is way too easy to log onto Facebook and post a quick status update as opposed to starting and finishing a blog. It's time to use Facebook only as a tool to keep friends and family updated and save the meat and potatoes for this blog.

2. Visit New York City during the holidays.
We had every intention of going this past Christmas but we didn't make the time. No excuses in 2012.

3. Blog at least twice a week.
I totally stole this resolution from a fellow blogger because it is pure genius! All these years I've been resolving to "write on a regular basis" but when your regular blogging schedule is once a month it can still leave much to be desired. Hopefully putting an actual number on it will give me a little more guidance on what is a "regular basis".

4. Organize our closets.
You'd think downsizing from a house to an apartment would be a somewhat difficult task but it wasn't in our case. Our apartment is almost the size of our house only instead of a third bedroom we have 2 walk-in closets, 3 full wall length closets, a linen closet the size of a powder room, and an additional storage area elsewhere in the building. Needless to say, we didn't have to get rid of much even though we probably should have. The only frustrating thing about all of this storage space is it was all haphazardly thrown in place before I arrived and since it was all out of sight and we were having so many troubles with The Elephant Man that we didn't intend to stay for any extended period of time there wasn't much reason to truly settle in. It's still uncertain whether we will stay or go when our lease is up in April -- the pros and cons of which I intend to weigh in a separate blog -- but I'm finding that it will be a) hard to find another apartment or townhouse with nearly this much storage and therefore forcing us to really downsize our clutter and b) hard to move all of this clutter to a new place on our own. Either way, if we stay or we go, I would like to have closets that both make even a little sense and can be somewhat easily transported.

5.  Continue to grow and play with Owen and the newest little Keenan due in June!
Say whaaaaat? Did she just imply she is pregnant? Why, yes, I did! And if Facebook hadn't killed my blog you would have found out 2 months ago when everyone else did. We couldn't be more happy and excited to welcome another child into our family. I don't think Owen can truly grasp the concept of what is going to happen come this summer, however, he has taken a sudden interest and curiosity in all things baby. He is going to be a wonderful big brother and Jon and I can't be more excited to see him take on that role. Owen has been such a blessing in our lives and I know his little sibling will only bring us more joy -- lots of sleepless nights and perhaps put me back on antidepressants -- but another little Keenan will be totally worth it.

The home stretch

The last 5 days with Owen have been so much fun but I think we're both ready for Jon to come home. I know I am because I miss my husband. I assume Owen is because it must get boring seeing the same face day in and day out.

Jon's absence has been kind of weird this year. The dogs are only just now starting to show signs that they've realized he's missing and Owen doesn't seem to have skipped a beat. In fact, I told Jon during our daily phone conversation (Yes, only one phone call per day with a 5 minute time limit. I'm a little salty about it if you can't tell) if the baby becomes cranky upon his return I will not hesitate to send him away again. I was only half kidding.

Anyway, things went off without a hitch here, which tells me I did a good job in preparing. Better than I had suspected even. I think it was a combination of Owen being a little more independent with age, me being a bit more productive/efficient in the things that need done because if I didn't do them, who would, and the fact that I finally took the time to sit back, relax, and just enjoy my son. It's never been more obvious how easily a baby can pick up on nerves and stress. I've been stress free and he's been an absolute doll. It can't all be coincidence.

My daily routine went a little like this:

Wake up at 5:45, shower, dress, eat breakfast, wake up Owen, feed Owen breakfast, pack up car, drop Owen off at sitter's, and head into work.
Work till 5, pick up Owen, come home, wash bottles, play with Owen and dogs, fix Owen's dinner, fix my dinner, eat dinner together at table.
Cuddle up in bed and watch approximately 15 minutes of Dora, have tickle fest, then it's bath time.
Give Owen bath, get him ready for bed, give him last bottle while rocking him to sleep.
Pack Owen's food for the next day, pack my lunch, poor a bowl of Reese's Puffs cereal, pull out the laptop and write a blog while eating.
Check Facebook.
Go to bed and watch Nick at Nite until I fall asleep.

Perfect? Definitely not, but I never once felt frantic or overwhelmed. I never once felt like I was shorting Owen of attention. I never once felt like I was losing my sense of self.

It may have been Jon who was out having fun, eating 60 inch pizza's somewhere in San Antonio with his buddies (jealous? me? no.....) but it really has felt like a retreat here, too. Even though it has been just as busy as ever, it felt a little less chaotic. I needed that in order to find my role as "mother" in this world of mine.

The first 6 months of status updates

Seeing as it may take a few years before I could find the time to write about all the little details of Owen's first 6 months, and because there's a pretty good chance I will have forgotten at least 50% of the little details by then, I've decided to do the next best thing: bring all of my Owen/Parenting related Facebook updates to one place.  I wasn't sure how well it was going to work, but as it turns out, it's a fairly accurate, abbreviated version of what our new life is like.

Please note: I put forth a tremendous amount of energy both on this blog and Facebook to avoid being a Negative Nancy. You are getting mostly just the positive side of the story here. I didn't think it was necessary that our friends and family know just how often I buried my face in a pillow and cried about how badly my life sucked or how many times I asked Jon for a divorce. On the bright side, I've been given permission to blame it all on hormones.

February 22

Looks like today is finally THE day! Water is broken, contractions are rolling. Owen is defying statistics and arriving on his due date!

February 27

Thank you everyone for the congrats and well wishes on our new little addition. The 3 of us are adjusting quite well to life at home, but I'm finding little time to play on Facebook! :)

February 28

Thanks for all the birthday wishes everyone!! I got the biggest and best birthday gift of all this year in Owen! :)

March 2

is leaving Jon home with the baby and heading out into the world by myself for the first time in over a week. First thought: "Man, it feels strange to be able to zip up my coat!"

March 6

put the baby down for his morning nap and attempted to take a shower, but no sooner did I get a lather in my hair when Macy begins howling from the side of the crib as if to say, "Hey stupid woman, you left the little human ALONE! What kind of mother are you?!"

March 6

Have you seen that Huggies commercial where the dad takes off his baby boy's diaper and he starts hosing down the entire room? Yeah, Owen's trying to give that little boy a run for his money today. My own clothes have become a casualty...

March 9

On the bright side...Owen is official and now has a social security number. On the not so bright side...the house, dog, and all other habitants stink of skunk. :(

March 10

So...as a breastfeeding mom, how many weeks should I plan on having my butt attached to the couch?

March 15

Forgot to study up on lullabys before having a baby. I guess it's a good thing I was able to sing Owen to sleep with Billy Liar! :D

March 18

2 night hospital stay after giving birth: $1500. Large box of Pampers Newborn diapers: $40. Discovering you have the nurturing touch to rock a crying and confused baby back to sleep at 3 in the morning: Priceless.

March 25

Who's the boss? "I am the boss!" I didn't doubt it for a second.

March 27

Owen's going for a new record: 3:30AM and he's STILL fighting sleep. As it stands, there's a pretty good chance he's going to be an only child.

March 28

The hubby and baby are over at Nana's and mommy stayed home for some 'me' time. All that crying the neighbors have been enduring has suddenly turned into a 28 year old woman belting out Ani DiFranco lyrics.

March 30

Help! I think something is terribly wrong with my child--he's sleeping AT NIGHT!!

April 5

"Peace out." Headed out for a late night ride with Daddy.

April 5

was given permission to use a mostly secluded, empty cubicle to use the breast pump in, but thought it wise to wear my shaw just in case. Good thing, because I heard someone ask another someone on the other side of the wall, "Who's over there wearing a cape?!" :-D

April 8

wants to be at home listening to the baby coo...

April 10

About to chop off the pregnancy hair...Deep breaths...you can do this.

April 10

Figures. I finally get the baby down at a reasonable hour and the hubby passes out too! I didn't realize having a baby would turn us into a couple of old fogies. ;)

April 19

Random thought #752: I wonder who has made more money off of me since Owen was born...Akron General or The Energizer Bunny?

April 22

2 months ago today I called off work by saying, "I'm not in labor, but I can't focus on work with these contractions..." Owen was born 12 hours later. :)

April 22

Forget natural childbirth...pinning a baby's arms and watching his face go from smiles to screams while he gets stuck with a needle in each thigh is the new hardest thing I've ever done! :(

April 28

I bought 504 diapers and 44 lbs of dog food on my lunch hour.

April 29

One of the best things about having a baby around is that everyone gets congratulated for an impressive burp!

April 30

OK Medela, I've officially handed over this week's entire paycheck in the hopes of being able to read a book, type a paragraph--continue living my life sans electrical outlet--while using your product. Please don't let me down.

May 2

Owen has been asleep for 10 hours straight. I keep going in there and checking on him and he's fine. If only we had the money to tire him out at Wasabi every night! :)

May 3

I just dropped the baby off at the sitter's for the first time. That was a lot harder than I thought it would be...

May 3

Thanks to Medela's Freestyle I just read 2 and a half of Dooce's blogs and updated my FB status from the filing (pumping) closet at work! I might be able to update my own blog before you know it!!!

May 4

Really hoping Owen gives his new sitter an easier time today. Turns out he was a terror yesterday!

May 5

3 days of packing up baby and delivering to sitter and still arriving to work on time, 4 nights of home cooked meals, 3 consecutive evenings of walking the dogs, and the kitchen is clean!! I think we might be on our way to becoming a functional little family again.

May 6

Jon's first day of taking care of the baby all by himself. I'm not sure who I should be more afraid for...Jon or Owen! ;)

May 10

I don't know that I've ever been so exhausted.

May 12

Only one thing in my life has remained consistent since Feb. 2nd: I fall asleep during the last 15 minutes of EVERY episode of Lost!

May 14

What does it say about me as a parent when the only thing besides me that can hold my 3 month old's attention is his bouncer and ESPN?

May 24

Woke up late, no hot water, spider dangling from shower ceiling, baby didn't want to eat--just talk, got everything and everyone loaded into the car just to notice a flat tire, and then the air compressor broke mid-fill. Hello there, Monday, I hate you too!

May 29

Getting ready for a wedding while keeping a baby happy is not fun.

May 31

Owen seemed to enjoy his first camping trip and it was really awesome for Jon and I to get out of the house

June 2
Owen's old record for sleeping in his crib: 1.5 hours. Owen's new record for sleeping in his crib: ALL NIGHT! I'm not packing up the swing yet but my little boy has done made me a proud mama. :)

June 3

I don't care what anyone says...walking in 3 inch heels AND carrying a baby in carseat is an acquired skill.

June 7

Just got a weekly newsletter from the hospital regarding childcare in the baby's third month and it opens with: "3 Good Reasons to Start Pumping Now!" They must not have gotten the memo that I was only off work for 6 weeks! I've been locking myself in a file room on every break for 2 months already. :p

June 13

Took Owen for his first swim at Nana's today! Clearly we have a water baby on our hands. He LOVED it!

June 16

Should have known he'd wait for a morning I was on my own to wake up early, poop all over EVERYTHING, be hungry enough to eat a horse, throw up on me TWICE, and still be so cute that I couldn't help but spend so much time talking to him that I was late for work.

June 20

had a fun day hanging out with Brooke and baby Savannah! It's only been 4 months since she and Owen were born but it's so amazing how much they've changed. Savannah was such a good little hostess, too! She offered her toes to Owen every chance she got. :)

June 22

I'm pretty sure the fact that Owen is sleeping with a party of 17 seated next to us is proof he can sleep through anything!

June 22

Somebody woke up and ate all my pizza.

June 26

Finally taking advantage of the fact that I'm never alone by going out to lunch with Owen then hitting the towpath with him and the jogging stroller.

July 2

A little bit of sunshine amidst all this gloom: One year ago today Jon and I learned we would be having a baby! I don't know how I'd be making it through this loss without my two men.

July 11

Why didn't anyone tell me that looking into a sick baby's eyes can capture and break your heart in 2 seconds flat?!

July 22

Word of advice: Do not veer from the MapQuest directions at 11:00 at night and it's raining and the baby is asleep in the backseat and your gas light turned on about a mile ago. A 29 minute drive can easily become 69 minutes...

July 24

Baby Einstein rocks!

July 26

is thinking of starting a "Help Katie Become a Stay at Home Mommy" fundraiser. Anyone want to donate??

July 30

29 miles left to South Bend and Owen has rocked this 4.5 hour roadtrip! The best part is he only napped 30 min so we may get some sleep tonight after all.

August 6

Looking forward to spending the weekend with Owen and having absolutely nowhere we have to be!

August 6

Dilemma: Dead batteries in swing (read: the only way the baby sleeps!) and battery drawer was empty. Solution: Held the mobile at gun point (okay, maybe it was a screwdriver) and emptied it of D-cells. I've gotten feisty in my 5.5 months as a mom!

August 10

Feet up on dashboard: We know he got at least 1 habit from mama!

August 10 

Can we have carrots for dinner?? Please!!

August 13

It would figure Owen chooses to roll over for the first time when Aunt Kristin is watching him. She'll probably witness his first steps and hear his first words too! :(

August 14

Saturday night, the baby is asleep, and the hubby and I are sitting around quizzing each other with the iCarly trivia questions on individually wrapped pieces of Frigo string cheese. We are awesome.

August 16

A little advice for all the new moms and dads and parents-to-be: Don't wake a sleeping baby. Do take a few moments every day to watch and admire the most precious little person in your life while he sleeps peacefully.

August 25

WARNING: Your baby may begin singing himself to sleep at 6 months. Be prepared for the most adorable sound you have ever heard.