2010 Self-review

Hello? Is anyone there? I didn't think so. That's okay...I have no social life on or off line so I'm pretty good at talking to myself anyway. Wait...what? You're still here? Oh bless your pretty sweet soul!

It's that time of year again. The time where I go in search of my New Year's resolutions and evaluate my performance. Self reviews are the hardest, you know. And it doesn't help when last year's resolution entry makes me want to bang my head against a concrete wall. I thought 2009 was a bumpy one? I thought 2009 included some of the lowest lows of my life? Honey, it was just starting!

2010 will forever go down in the record books as the year full of love and loss. I brought LIFE into this world. I gave birth to a beautiful little boy who surprises and amazes me every second I'm around him, and yet I felt like death was following me everywhere--first when my brother died in June, again when Jon's lovely Aunt Cynthia passed away November 22 after a long, brave battle with cancer, and again on December 6 when our precious dog Macy became so horribly ill we had no choice but to have her put down. I've seen so many wonderful things this year yet I've had to watch so many wonderful lives fizzle and fade away. Every bone in my body wants to say I HATE 2010 but I can't because nearly four years of hoping and praying for a baby finally came to fruition.

I don't know what else I can say.

Fortunately I only made one resolution: "I want to be the best mommy I can be. I want to be the mother who is madly in love, attentive, interested, and active in her child's life. I can't promise to lose the baby weight, or start saving for college right away, or to keep the house immaculate at all times. All I can do is promise to do my best, and love this little miracle for all he's worth."

In my very unprofessional opinion, I only recently succeeded at this goal. I didn't write about it here because I was too embarrassed/ashamed/sad/infuriated/disgusted with myself to admit that I was suffering from a severe case of postpartum depression. I never once wanted to hurt Owen but I often thought about hurting myself. I often thought I was in over my head, that I could never love my child as much as he deserved to be loved. Only recently did I realize I can love him enough and I do love him enough and I need him just as much as he needs me. That bond I felt with the baby kicking inside of me? It's finally back and it's stronger than any bond I have ever known.

So did I succeed in being the best mommy I can be? Yes. Was I perfect? Absolutely not! I did, however, stress WAY too much about losing the baby weight (it's all still there!!), saving for college (yet there is nothing...), and keeping the house immaculate (okay, maybe I...nope, didn't pull that one off either!).

Black beans and cherry apple sauce

There couldn't be a more fitting bib.

Zonked

Making up for all those missed naps this holiday weekend.

Now that's what I call a workout!

Face the color of beets, clothes sticking to skin, and legs can barely carry my weight. Damn, that feels good!

Now for some Jimmy Johnson and Survivor...

Walking a dog in the hood

Boy on bike: "Hey lady! Don't bring your dogs this way!"

Me: "Why?"

Boy: "There's a giant black dog back there and it's not tied up!"

Me: "Dammit. Black Ugly is loose again..."

Boy: "What?"

Me: "Nothing. Thanks for the warning!"

We went the other direction and walked by the ferocious, chain-link-fence-jumping, man-eating pit bull instead.

Weekly Progess Report: Week 1

(This was written and should have been posted last Friday. I must have been working out so hard that I completely forgot! Yeah, that's it...)

Current Weight: 195 lbs (-5)

Average workout duration: 60 min.

Average daily consumption: 2100 calories

Feeling: Tired, but surprisingly good considering I have to wake up by 5:00 AM to maintain some semblance of a workout routine. What's that old saying? You have to expend energy to create energy? I think that's what I've done here. There were days this week when Jon turned to me and asked, "How are you still going?" It may shock him, but it makes me proud. I haven't had extra energy for a long time, and it feels so good! Actually, I'm kind of convinced just learning I was pregnant with Owen sucked all the energy right out of me for well over a year.

That being said, I feel good now, but I hope to feel even better in the coming weeks. I have a long road ahead of me and I hope to tighten my belt (no pun intended, har har) and see even faster progress soon.

More fun with cousins

Isaiah? Isaiah? Isaiah? Isaiah? Isaiah?

I'M A MONKEY!

Can I eat these?

Copy cat!

Big foot!

Is that the end, mama? Oh, okay, I'll look cute and cuddly.