Road Trip Conversations to Remember

Jon: "I could really go for a tropical drink when we get home."

Katie: "Ooooh! Like a piña colada?"

Jon: "No, no pine cones! I don't like pine cones in my drinks."

Katie: "......I think you mean coconut?"

One of those moments I don't want to forget

Jon: "Part of the meeting was they asked me to draw three things that have impacted my life. I drew a ring, a little boy looking out over the bars of his crib, and a cancer ribbon. The first two are obvious--you and Owen--the third was because of all the people we've lost to cancer. I told them that I don't know anyone who has survived it."

Me: "You lied."

Jon: "No I didn't. Who?"

Me: "Think about it. Losing her may have devastated you more than anyone else."

Jon: "Oh wow!"

Me: "Your Aunt Char recovered from her breast cancer so well that you forgot she even had it!"

Jon: "That's amazing."

Me: "I know. I've got goosebumps."

Walking a dog in the hood

Boy on bike: "Hey lady! Don't bring your dogs this way!"

Me: "Why?"

Boy: "There's a giant black dog back there and it's not tied up!"

Me: "Dammit. Black Ugly is loose again..."

Boy: "What?"

Me: "Nothing. Thanks for the warning!"

We went the other direction and walked by the ferocious, chain-link-fence-jumping, man-eating pit bull instead.

Hi Mom

"I read your blog again."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, and I cried a lot."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"No, it was beautiful. And I've enjoyed everything you've been writing about Owen."

"Do you check my blog every day?"

"Yes, and I'm disappointed when you haven't written anything...so keep writing."

That was the conversation I had with my mom at 7:50 this morning when I called to tell her I wouldn't be able to walk on our lunch hour. I thought it was cute. My mom has always encouraged my writing and always seemed interested but I don't know that she's ever had the opportunity to get this deep into my thoughts before....unless she snuck a peek at my journals in high school? I wouldn't be surprised.

So, mom, it's obvious you're interested, and taking the opportunity to read what I have to say even now, but the questions is, how far back have you gone into the archives? Back to May 2008 perhaps? It's another one that may make you cry. I know I cried when I wrote it:

Originally written Monday, May 12, 2008
Sunday Letters Vol. 1


Note: Yes, I realize the subject says Sunday Letters and today is in fact Monday, but if I'm going to be completely honest here I started writing it yesterday, but I started crying, and then my husband found me, and I decided I needed to distance myself from it for a while. Of course, then one thing led to another and my A.D.D. kicked in and I lost myself in the Survivor Reunion Show. Sorry Mom, but let's face it, you would have done the same thing for Survivor!


Dear Mom,


When I first told you that I would be moving out on my own almost 8 years ago you started crying, and I felt stupid because I couldn't understand why. You and I weren't getting along very well anymore and I thought my moving out of your house would actually make you happy, but that didn't seem to be the case. A couple of weeks went by before I finally caught you alone and asked what you were so upset about, and to my surprise you admitted that between my depression in high school and the way I clung to Jon so quickly afterward, you felt you and I never really had the chance to bond like you had envisioned. I didn't understand what you meant at the time, but as the years passed I watched the relationship you had developed with Kristin while she was in high school and I finally got it. You and I didn't talk about boys, or dresses, or the caddy girls at school. No, you and I screamed, and we cried, and we worried until our chests felt like they were about to explode over whether or not I was going to make it through not only another day of school but another day of life. I was a train wreck for a solid 4 years and you were the frantic family member glued to the ongoing live coverage, hoping for a sign that I was alright. You saw me hit rock bottom every morning, and every morning you helped pull me back out. Only a mother's deepest love would have done that for me, and someday I'll find a way to thank you properly.


As for the mother and daughter bonding, though it may not have seemed like it at the time, through all of the crying and yelling and weepy teenage metaphors of those hectic years, you were able to see a part of me that no one else had seen before.


You once told me what you thought my visits with the psychiatrist were like--you said you always pictured me lying on a couch, confessing my fears and deepest, darkest secrets to the doctor sitting across from me, purging all of my negativity so I could walk out of the office with a smile and renewed sense of worth.


No offense, but I thought your idea of therapy was funny.


The truth is I faked a smile with the psychiatrists and therapists for every single one of those 1 hour sessions. I put on a fake smile before I walked in the door and I removed it the moment we got back in the car. And as for what we talked about, well, we talked about the good things and only the good things, because after all, I wanted to be likeable not crazy.


In the end, what the psychiatrists and therapists and all those other head doctors got from me were lies, but what I gave you every morning was real, it was me, albeit a little harsh at times, but it was me spilling my guts to you, reaching out to the only person I felt would really, truly listen to me. That was bonding, Mom, those heavy, emotional moments are ours and only ours to keep.


I think what neither of us had realized at the time is that I was an extremely complex, quiet, yet dynamic young woman who was trying to come to terms with her complexity and uniqueness when everyone else appeared so normal. You guided me through the toughest years of my life, and I'm here, and I'm doing just fine. I think that says everything there is to say about who you are as a parent--you're an amazing woman who did everything in her power to save me, and you did.


Here's to the woman I owe everything! Happy Mother's Day!


Love always,
Kate

I love you, Mom. Oh, and let's be sure to walk tomorrow, okay?

Valentine Schmalentine

Jon: "What do you want to do for Valentine's Day?"

Me: "The same thing we do every year: order Chinese take-out and spend a quiet evening at home."

Jon: "You don't want to exchange gifts?"

Me: "No. You know I don't care about Valentine's Day."

Jon: "I know, but when I explain how you feel to the guys at work they all say you're talking in code and you're really asking me for diamonds."

An Imaginary Conversation With My (Hopefully) Soon-to-Be-Born Son

Me: "So...I've discovered this foot hanging out near my rib cage, and I noticed that if I poke it--like this--you start wiggling like a little worm!"

Baby: "Damn it, woman! I'm out of room in here and I have no where else to put that foot, so stop it!"

Me: "Why don't you come out then?"

Baby: "It's too cold out there. I'm waiting for Spring."

The Softer Side

Lab Tech: "When are you due?"

Kate: "February."

Lab Tech: "Do you know what you're having?"

Kate: "Yes. It's a boy."

Lab Tech: "Oh, how sweet! You're carrying him very well!"

I'm not entirely sure what "carrying him very well" means, but I could have kissed her.

Things You Shouldn't Say to Your Pregnant Wife, Part 1

Jon: "I need to take a night off from working in that room. I don't even want to set foot in there."

Kate: "I'm just going in there to pick up the tarps and clean up any paint you may have gotten on the floor."

Jon: "Really? You can do that?"

Kate: "What do you mean?"

Jon: "You can bend over?"

Kate: "Umm, yeah. Why wouldn't I be able to?"

Jon: "Well, you're kind of top heavy right now. You might fall over."

Feel the Love

Kate: "I really am sorry about what I said earlier. I didn't mean it. My emotions are at an extreme right now."

Jon: "It's okay. I know. You know how some people are mean drunks...?"

Kate: "Are you saying I'm a mean pregnant lady?!"

Jon: "Well, yeah."

Getting Acquainted With the Dial Tone

"This is Katie. How can I help you?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to figure out where I can order this book?"

"We're referring everyone to this website. They haven't.."

"Yeah, I went there, but I couldn't find it."

"They haven't made any announcements as to how you can order yet, but keep an eye on the site. They should.."

"There has to be somewhere else I can order it."

"Unfortunately, the website I gave you is the only place it will be available. They should be making an announce.."

"Listen to me, this is for a dying child with cancer and this book will be a great tool for him. Will you just tell where else I can get the book?"

"I'm sorry, sir. I wish there was something I could do, but the only information I've been given is the websi.."

Click.

"Hello?"

*****

An hour later:

"This is Katie. How can I help you?"

"Hi. I would like to place an order."

"Unfortunately, we're no longer accepting orders. We're going out of business, but thank.."

"Yeah, I heard the recording before I was transferred to you. Don't you have some books sitting around that you want to sell to me?"

"Oh. I wish I could, but our warehouse is completely empty. We stopped.."

Click.

*****

Two hours later:

"This is Katie. How can I help you?"

"Hi. Yes. I placed an order at the end of May and I've only received close to half of it. Can you tell me when the rest will arrive?"

"We sent all of the items available for your order. The rest had to be canceled off of the order because they were sold out."

"So what I have here is all I'm going to get?"

"Yes, I'm very sorry, but the clearance titles were available on a 'first come, first serve' basis and your order was received on the last day we could accept orders."

"Do you realize how much money I've now lost because of you?! This is ridiculous!!"

"Ma'am, I.."

Click.

Inappropriate Table Talk

Jon: "Would you stay married to me if I became a bald, gay guy?"

Kate: "Bald? Yes. Gay? No."

Jon: "I can accept that."

Mother-in-law: "That's perfectly understandable."

A few minutes later...

Kate: "Are these beans or kernels in the rice?"

Mother-in-law: "Those are pine nuts."

Kate: "Oh. They're very tasty."

Jon: "I love nuts."

Long pause...

Kate: "I guess he won't be going bald first."

Why I tried to dissuade Jon from watching Twilight

Edward: "You need to see what I look like in the sunlight."

Jon: "You...sparkle?"

Boob talk

"Okay, Katie, I know you're my aunt and all, but it's just that, well, I'm shorter than you so they're right there, and I have to ask...how big are your boobs now and how big were they before?"

"Hunh. Ummm, I was a D cup and now I'm a C cup."

"Really? Because if I'm being honest, I don't think they look that big. They look way smaller than they were before. And I'd be really upset if I lost my boobs."

"You know, I honestly don't mind. If I'm only a B cup when it's all said and done I won't have a problem with it. Besides, all the cute bras are in smaller sizes!"

"I think you better plan on becoming at least a B, 'cause they are shrinking."

Jesus would forgive me

"What can I do to help you get to sleep?"

"I need a cheeseburger."

"C'mon, Kate, you don't need pizza, a Wendy's chicken sandwich, or a cheeseburger!"

"I'm pretty sure I do."

"Even if I really believed you needed one I couldn't get it for you. It's after midnight, so it's too late, and it's against your religion to eat fast food right now."

"Who's idea was it to give up fast food for Lent anyway? Wait! We could go to Eat 'N Park! They're open 24 hours."

"I'm not driving you to Eat 'N Park."

"Hrmph."

What's with all the bomber jackets?

Me: "Hey, while we're here, do you mind if I look for a winter coat? I don't have one that fits."

Jon: "Sure, but I can already tell they don't have anything that looks like you. See? This one looks like your little sister and your nieces. This one looks like something your grandmother would like. Oh, and this one looks like...no, that's just plain ugly."

Me: "Do you see that girl over there, the one wearing the short blue peacoat? That's what I'm looking for."

Jon: "You mean something that screams 'I listen to Death Cab for Cutie and wish I was invisible'? Yeah, that's totally you, but they don't have anything like that here."

Lazy Sunday Morning

"We should probably get out of bed before we waste the day away. What did you want to do?"

"Get rich. We should start our own business."

"What kind of business?"

"First we have to decide what our business will do. What kind of talents do you have?"

"Hmm. I don't have any talents."

"No? Got any awesome dance moves?"

"Nope."

"Can you make any new noises?"

"Hmm. Nope. I've got nothing."

"Okay then, let's eat breakfast instead."

How I Know I Wasn't Adopted

"So, I hear you're down 30 pounds already. What kind of foods are you eating?"

"Fruits and vegetables."

"Oh..."

"And whole grains. I try to avoid enriched flour."

"Hmm..."

"I also eat lean meats like chicken and ground turkey. And I've read that you should look at beans as little diet pills, so I eat a lot of black beans."

"Oh, well that won't work for me."

"Why not?"

"I don't like any of those things."

"But Mom, that's why it was hard for me at first--I had to make myself like them."

"Yeah. I can't do that. I'll have to find something else."

My "Spanish" Comedian

They say having a television in the bedroom can kill romance, but it’s a double-edged sword in our house. The romance is already dead if neither of us can get enough sleep, so we go back and forth with the TV argument all the time. I need the murmur and soft lights of the television to fall asleep and Jon needs pitch black and silence.

We've been able to work it out most recently by me going to bed an hour or so earlier than he does. I turn on the TV, watch an episode of Home Improvement or something of equally mindless entertainment, and slowly drift off to sleep. Jon will come in when he’s tired, turn off the TV, and rest in silence.

It was working out just fine, until a few nights ago, when I started falling short on my end of the bargain and staying up a little too late, forcing the two of us to be heading to bed at the same time. But surprisingly, there’s been little arguing, only a few minor instances when threats of separate bedrooms came up, but it was fairly easy to come to a compromise: I could keep the TV on only if he had full control of the remote (read: he could watch ESPN highlights). I agreed and have been falling asleep to football analysts predicting this year’s Super Bowl Champions even though it’s only three games into the season.

Last night was a little different, though. I’m assuming he got his fill of sports from Monday Night Football, because he abruptly flipped to a Spanish soap opera before settling into bed. I must have been extremely tired because I didn't think anything of it. I didn't even realize the expensive-looking man was consoling the very distraught woman in Spanish until Jon started doing voice-overs:

“Please, darling, you have to tell me what’s bothering you.”

“It’s just…I can’t believe you could do that…how could you burn the dinner rolls? Tonight was supposed to be beautiful, and now it’s ruined!”

“Oh, my love, I am so sorry. You must know I didn't do it on purpose.”

“You didn't? You mean you still love me? Then I forgive you!”

“I do! I love you so much, I promise I’ll never burn another dinner roll for as long as I live!”

I waited until he was finished before I gave him the crazy eye. I had two things in mind after watching his acting debut: 1) WTF? and 2) There was no way this was his first time creating impromptu lines like this; his timing was a little too in sync with the actor’s emotions, he didn't struggle to come up with material (although it probably should have involved a murder or an affair--instead of dinner rolls--to properly fit a soap opera), and he wasn't laughing at himself. My husband is a freaking pro at adlibbing Spanish subtitles.

“What?” he asked when he noticed me eyeing him from my pillow, “Haven’t you ever done that before?”

“No. I can’t say that I have.”

“Oh. Sometimes, when there’s nothing else on, I just turn to the Spanish channel and pretend like I know what they’re saying. It’s some of the best television I've ever watched!”

If I had to choose between romance and witnessing my husband’s goofy humor for the rest of my life, it would be his humor, every time. He doesn't know it yet, but he just forged our new bedtime ritual.

At the Dinner Table

Jon: "I read something interesting today."

Me: "Yeah?"

Jon: "Yeah. Did you know there are more internet searches on video games than for porn now?"

Me: "No, that's crazy."

Jon: "Well think about it, when was the last time you searched porn?"

Me: "I've never searched porn. When was the last time YOU searched porn?"

Jon: "It's been a while."

Me: "Was it on the new computer?"

Jon: "No."

Me: "Was it in this house?"

Jon: "No."

Me: "Really?!"

Jon: "......"

Me: "C'mon, tell me!"

Jon (walking away): "Leave me alone."

Me (calling after): "Honesty is the best policy!"

Jon: "Leave me alone!"

I still haven't gotten a straight answer.

What My Nephew Said

Jimmy: "Umm.. Aunt.....? I forget your name!"

Me: "Are you serious?"

Jimmy: "Yes. What is your name?"

Me: "Well, I’ll give you a hint: it starts with a K."

Jimmy: "Aunt Karen?"

Me: *stifling laughter because this kid really couldn’t remember my name after spending the last 20 hours at my house* "Nope, that’s not right, but I’ll bet you remember that big guy’s name who just left, huh?"

Jimmy: "Yes, I remember Uncle Jon!"

Me: *calling downstairs to the other nephew* "Hey Brandan? Do you remember my name?!"

Brandan: "Uh DUH!!! KATIE!"

Jimmy: "Ohhh! I can’t believe I forgot Katie!! Aunt Katie? Can I stay the night again sometime?"

Me: "Umm, sure. But do you think you’ll remember staying here in the first place?"