So I guess there will be nothing left of me

Co-worker: “I have to ask…how much weight have you lost now?”

Me: “53 pounds.”

Co-worker: “Wow. Well you look great. It must be fun shopping for a whole new wardrobe!”

Me: “Actually, I’ve only been buying bits and pieces that I find on clearance. I don’t want to buy a lot of new clothes because I still plan on losing quite a bit more weight.”

Co-worker: “How much more?”

Me: “Umm…about another 50.”

Co-worker: “Really?! There will be nothing left of you!”

Conversations like that remind me what it's like to be on both ends of the spectrum. I've been in my co-workers shoes many times, telling someone they couldn't possibly need to lose so much weight--they couldn't possibly be as heavy as they think they are--and I truly believed it. But now that the tables have turned and I'm on the other side I'm having trouble understanding how they can't see this extra 50 pounds hanging around on my hips, thighs, and mid-section. I stare at those extra pounds in the mirror every morning, willing them to come off as quickly as the first 50 did--the first 50 that I still have trouble seeing--and hope that by the time I've reached my goal I will finally see a more confident, beautiful person in the mirror.

I suppose my biggest problem is I don't know what I can expect to see at the end of this. Some mornings I hope I'll come out with Kate Austin's body, and other mornings I think I'll be happy with Callie Torres. I've never tried to lose weight before. I don't know what my body will look like without the extra cushion, so I'm just kind of making it up as I go. My goal is to lose 110 total pounds for a final weight of 132, but it's a loose goal, because I only have to get down to around 140 to get to a normal BMI, and that's my ultimate goal.

Every once in a while Jon will accuse me of having an eating disorder but I don't think that's the case. I think sometimes I have a bad relationship with my body--a disagreement if you will--where I let all of the numbers get the best of me and I can go one of two ways: contemplate running to the nearest convenience store for a bag of Doritos and a box of Little Debbies, or out of spite, decide that I'm just going to starve the fat off instead of jumping through hoops to figure out how many calories are coming from what sources. I've never done either of those things though. I usually just walk away and start over again the next day. I don't have an eating disorder. I have The Fat Kid Complex and I am an impatient fat kid.

I'm making it sound like I'm having a tough time, and sometimes I do mentally, but most of the time I think I got this. There are times when I'm convinced the scale has been lying to me all along, but more often than not, I think if I just stick to it--this new lifestyle I've created--I'll have no problem reaching my goal. Besides, even if I can never lose more than the 53 pounds I've already lost, I think I'm still doing my body a world of good by not surviving off Doritos and fudge rounds like I've been known to do in the past.

The power of a blog

I love how writing one sentence announcing to the world that our outdoor Christmas lights were still up was enough to get the job done. I pulled into the driveway this evening to find that Jon had finally taken the lights down.

Next you'll be hearing about the leaky faucet in the basement and pealing paint on the back of the house.

Better yet, I probably shouldn't push it. My blog and tendency to over share has been the topic of more than one argument between Jon and I. They usually begin or end with the sentence, "Why don't you go blog about this?"

Top 10 reasons I'm impatiently waiting for Spring

1. I can walk the dogs again.

2. I can justify washing the dingy salt off my car.

3. There are more opportunities to take down the Christmas lights.

4. My fingers and toes might actually defrost.

5. Flip flops!

6. It's not dark before 5:30 in the evening.

7. I won't have to fear for my life while driving to and from work.

8. The scent of flowers.

9. Shopping for a new Spring jacket.

10. Macy needs a hair cut. Bad.

The things I forgot

I was smacking my forehead a lot yesterday as I remembered more and more things that happened in February which made it a very noteworthy month contrary to how much I down played it before.

Most importantly was my 33-year-old brother getting diagnosed with testicular cancer on February 11th. He had gone into the Cleveland Clinic to have a tumor removed and everyone--doctors included-were optimistic that the tumor would be benign. Unfortunately, the test results proved differently and he did in fact have cancer and had to undergo a second major surgery in 4 days. He's doing good. He's recovering well at home and again everyone is optimistic that all of the cancerous cells have been removed. They're waiting until he recovers fully from the 2 surgeries before talking about chemo.

My family felt like the metaphorical rug had been pulled out from beneath our feet when we were given the test results on February 11th. We've always considered ourselves blessed to be such a large family and to all be here relatively happy and healthy. It's so easy to lose someone close to you, but my parents and 5 siblings have only seen our numbers grow. We've been dealt our fair share of scares including my father's 2 heart attacks, but we've always made it through--we've always remained whole--and we fully intend to keep doing so.

The rest of the noteworthy things I remembered from February truly pale in comparison to my brother but they have altered my life as well.

My company announced mandatory Shutdown Days beginning in February and lasting at least through the end of this year. What they've done is designated one day each month--it was February 17th this time--in which the company will completely shut down, the employees will take the day off, and we won't be paid for it. The idea is to save 2 weeks worth of payroll by the end of the year, and hopefully, along with other cost cutting measures, it will be enough to save our jobs. I can't argue with that. School budgets are getting hacked by the economy right now, and considering the majority of our revenue comes from school libraries, we are in a very tight pinch.

Again, I have to consider myself fortunate. I can afford to lose 2 weeks pay when it's spread throughout the year. I can't, however, afford to lose my job, not when finding a replacement is next to impossible around here. I'll accept whatever measures my company has to take in order to keep me employed. I can't afford not to.

Lastly, and this is going to sound silly that I consider it life-altering, but earlier this month I was pulled over for the first time in my 9 years of driving.

I was on my way home from my parents house when I was stopped for "rolling through a flashing red". The police cruiser was parked at the Army Reserve building roughly 200 feet from the 4 way stop with flashing red lights and I saw them clear as day despite it being after 10:00PM. I immediately checked my speed, which was hovering just under the speed limit, and drove passed. I went through the intersection, stopping as I usually do (which apparently wasn't enough), looked in all 3 remaining directions, and continued to drive home.

I wasn't 500 feet passed the 4 way stop when the cruiser pulled up behind me and turned its lights on. I pulled over immediately, rolled down both front windows when I saw there were 2 officers climbing out of the cruiser, turned off the car, and watched in the rear view mirror as they surveyed the houses around us and slowly walked to either side of my car. The officer at my driver's side door told me I was pulled over for rolling through a flashing red, asked for my driver's license, verified that my address was really only 2 streets over, and asked if I'd ever been pulled over for rolling through a flashing red.

I told them that I was sorry, that I thought I had made a complete stop, and no, I had never been pulled over for rolling through a stop, that this was actually the first time I'd ever been pulled over. The officer handed my license back to me, told me to drive safely, and they both headed back to the cruiser. I may have been stopped for the first time, but I wasn't going to get a ticket. I was shaking, relieved, and a little pissed off at the same time.

I guess I should explain that I have a problem with authority figures. I don't have a problem listening or following directions from authority figures, but they scare me half to death, almost to the point where I can't function properly. I'm so afraid of being in trouble or not pleasing that I actually make myself look guilty. As I write this and read it back to myself, it sounds like I was perfectly calm and collected while speaking to these officers, but I was actually a nervous wreck. My voice was high pitched and shaky. I didn't answer in proper English or full sentences, and I stuttered a lot. I was a little surprised when they didn't just slap the cuffs on me right away because this girl had to have done something wrong to be so nervous.

I was a little pissed off because getting pulled over didn't go down at all like it does on television and therefore how I had pictured it. They didn't take the time to look up my record. They didn't ask for proof of insurance or registration. They pulled me over for not coming to a complete stop on a deserted night and not something dangerous, like, you know, speeding or driving recklessly. Everyone I've talked to says it sounds like they saw something that made them suspicious, but I think I was pulled over because they were bored, and it sucks that my perfect driving record is tarnished because of it. According to the books my record is still spotless, but I can't honestly say that I've never even been pulled over now.

One positive thing it has done to me is that I make sure everyone I know--myself included--knows to come to a complete stop at all stop signs, because you know, they catch you for that around here.

Out like a lamb

I did it again. I went an entire month without posting, and that's almost funny to me because all through the month of February I kept daring myself to write every day for one week. I thought if I could just break the streak of nothing I would come out with something. Obviously, I never stepped up to my own dare.

I think Andy Rooney said it best when he said you have to have an ego if you’re a writer because it’s egotistical to think anyone else cares what you think. My problem is I don’t have much of an ego and I can’t for one second convince myself that anyone would care what I think, and if no one cares then why should I write? It’s a vicious cycle that I’ve been battling for years and I keep trying to get a handle on it but every few months I stumble backwards.

The bottom line is I want to write and that's all that should matter. I have to keep on keepin’ on, even it means mundane reports of how much it sucked to work one day. So, here it goes: I Triple Dog Dare myself to write every day for the first week of March. It may not be much, but there will at least be something posted for each day this week.

First, I'll get February out of the way:

Fortunately there wasn't much to write about in February. I worked a lot and then I worked some more.

I slept in on weekends and left the house a few times to hit up the grocery store for food.

I met two of my favorite friends for dinner on President's Day and then we closed down Border's by sipping our coffees and catching up as the store grew more and more quiet around us.

I turned 27 yesterday and Jon and I celebrated by making the trip to IKEA Pittsburgh (I think it's safe to call this a birthday tradition by now) with my little sister and mom. After arriving back to Akron we met friends for dinner and drinks. I have to say it was a pretty good birthday.

2008 Resolution Review

It's funny that I was ready to throw my failed 2007 resolutions under the bus long before the year was over but now that I've actually done a fairly decent job with my 2008 resolutions I'm procrastinating. And I don't know that I'm avoiding the resolutions so much as I don't know what to say exactly. 2008 was actually a very, very good year to me for so many reasons and... oh, that's it! I still don't know how to write about anything in a positive light. I've had way too much practice writing about how much I dislike something or how unhappy I am that when it comes to being satisfied I'm at a loss for words.

So I think I'll just get right to the point and see where that takes me.

1. Dedicate 30 minutes to my appearance each morning.
30 minutes? Not exactly, but I do dedicate time for primping each morning so that when I walk into the office I look like a 20-something professional in a business casual environment as opposed to a co-worker's daughter on Bring Your Child to Work Day. My hair is usually styled, I wear as much makeup as I'm comfortable wearing, and I stopped wearing those jeans with the torn bottoms.

2. Get at least 7 hours of sleep every weeknight.
I actually get 8 hours of sleep. I wake up every morning at 6:00 and workout for an hour. Most of the time, I can't function after 10:00PM anyway.

3. Write on a semi-regular basis.
Now that's funny. I like to write, I really do, but I am having the toughest time a) finding the time, and b) finding my niche. Like I mentioned before, you can't keep me away from the keyboard when I'm feeling down in the dumps, but when I'm content I'm all, "Hmm, I don't know what to say." I should still find time to write on a regular basis. After all, what's the point of keeping a blog if it sits quietly for all but 5 days of the month?

4. Walk the dogs every day (weather permitting).
Done. It's just unfortunate that the weather has not been permitting recently. Jon and I are pulling our hair out while dealing with 2 very restless dogs and sidewalks covered in snow that comes up to their chests. But before the snow and sub-zero wind chills blew in our night walks became so routine we had names for them: The Short Walk (around the block), The Short+ Walk (around the block and threw the park), and The Long Walk (weaving in and out of the multiple cal-de-sacs in our neighborhood). Walking the dogs with Jon each night felt so natural and comforting. It was a chance for us to talk without interruptions. It was a time for us to unwind and reclaim our lives after long days at work. I can't wait for the winter to end so we can resume our ritual. Not just for us, but also because I haven't found a better way to let the dogs get rid of all of this energy.

5. Read 40 books by December 31, 2008.
I stopped keeping track sometime in February, and I highly doubt I made it to 40 books. I think it was more like 20, again. I did get a good start for 2009 though--3 books so far.

6. Perfect the art of time management.
You know what I learned in 2008? I learned that I can't do everything and I learned that I had to be okay with that. I finally managed to convince myself that no one is perfect and I can't expect myself to be either. I learned that I needed to slow down, stop worrying about what I wasn't getting done, and start enjoying life with my husband and my dogs. No matter how much time I spend scrubbing and laundering and organizing there will always be something else, and while I do take time out to keep our home livable, I stopped obsessing about it and started spending more time doing the things that I want to do. Life is too short to waste so much energy nagging yourself the way I did.

7. Finish the Damn Desk already!
I'm sitting at right now. It's way too big for this room but it is one big, beautiful chunk of solid oak.

When I selected these resolutions last year I had no idea what was in store for me. They all seem so trivial compared to the 47 pounds I've lost and the peace I've found within myself. They don't compare to that day when I finally decided that I was never going to like myself until I did something about it and gradually turned myself into a person I don't mind being around 24-7. These resolutions were alright, but what 2008 really did for me was end an internal battle that had been going for almost a decade. It was a battle with myself to become a better person, inside and out. And I think I'm a better person.

Hey There 2009

I'm nabbing these next 10 minutes before my husband gets home and logs on to World of Warcraft (can someone say Internet hog?) and before I have to tackle the small mound of work I brought home with me tonight, to finally tell everyone Happy New Year! It's late, obviously, but have you really come to expect anything else from me?

Things are going okay here. The year has gotten off to a rough start but only because I'm trying to log as much overtime at work as I can (a little cushion in the savings never hurt anyone, right?) and I figure why not do it while I'm able to bring the work home rather than remain chained to my desk for an extra 1-2 hours a night. But I'm having a really hard time juggling my priorities while distantly longing for some Me time. I'll make it work somehow, I just don't know how long it's going to take for me to figure it out.

I have so much I want to say, so many little things floating around in my head, that I'm having a really hard time singling out anything. I'm happy. I'm good. I'm still kicking a little higher than I had been as short as 7 months ago.

My weight loss is getting a surprising amount of attention at work this week. So many people stop me in the corridor to express how awesome I look and what a great job I've done, and others are just noticing for the first time, sheepishly asking if I've lost "a little weight". I can't really blame people for noticing just now because truth be told I still have a really hard time seeing it. I just smile, admit that I've lost 45 pounds (for the first time ever I'm not lying on my driver's license!) and tell everyone that I owe it to Nintendo.

Oops! Jon just walked in the door. I guess this took a little longer than I'd planned. Time to get some food and settle in for a few hours of proofing.

Next up: last year's resolution results and this year's new ones.