Here's to working in my pajamas!

Today can be summed up to the first thing I noticed when I walked into my cubicle this morning: a box of my personal items had been thrown away. I'd started packing it Monday after they announced the company would be closing, but before I knew whether I was staying or going. I'd grabbed a box and started putting various things I'd purchased in to it like my thumb tacks, plastic filing racks, and a blue miniature Ohio license plate that said "KATIE" which I'd had hanging on my overheard cabinet for the last five years. After I found out that I'd be staying on with the company for a few more months, I just shoved the box under my desk, figuring I'd get back to packing sometime in the near future. But apparently I put it a little too close to the trash bin I keep stashed under my desk, because this morning I walked in to find the plastic filing racks sitting on top of my desk and an empty box sitting next to the trash bin underneath. The cleaning service cleaned me out of my personal effects. Oh well, I never really noticed that license plate anyway.

I finally know what it's like to be too busy to eat. We've gone from a department of 8 people to a group of 3 who are trying to handle the same work flow as we had last week. Each day my head is spinning in about 25 thousand different directions and everything is a priority but there's too much to do in one day. I'm not used to this. I'm used to having a very particular schedule that I follow. I'm used to setting morning deadlines and afternoon deadlines for myself so that I know everything will be done before I leave the building at 5:00. I'm used to scheduled breaks in which I eat my scheduled snacks but every day my snack has sat uneaten next to me because I'm too afraid to take a bite of an apple when the phone is ringing almost the moment I hang it up. I know I'll get used to this eventually. I have to find my rhythm and create new schedules but it is just so freaking hectic that I can't figure it out right now.

I'm thanking my lucky stars that tomorrow is my second shutdown day. I won't be getting paid, but I won't have to be at work!

On the bright side, my head is emerging from the fog just enough to pick out the good things this inevitable job loss will mean:

1. No commute. I don't care if it means I'm flipping burgers at McDonald's for a year until I can find something better in Summit County, but I will never again accept a position that has me driving an hour to and from work.

2. I will be happy eventually. I hadn't been happy at work for a very long time--probably close to 2 years--and it had only been getting progressively worse with each month (or week, or day...) that passed. I would come home from work and Jon would ask how my day was and I'd say it was the same as it always was--it sucked. I don't want to spend the rest of my working career at a job that does nothing for me but suck.

3. Branching out. I've been working with books for the last 11 years and here's my chance--and excuse--to try something different. Granted, I'm going to have some pretty slim picking, but I'll manage. I've also got some great ideas that with the right amount of research, determination, and skill I'll be able to love the job I do.

Jesus would forgive me

"What can I do to help you get to sleep?"

"I need a cheeseburger."

"C'mon, Kate, you don't need pizza, a Wendy's chicken sandwich, or a cheeseburger!"

"I'm pretty sure I do."

"Even if I really believed you needed one I couldn't get it for you. It's after midnight, so it's too late, and it's against your religion to eat fast food right now."

"Who's idea was it to give up fast food for Lent anyway? Wait! We could go to Eat 'N Park! They're open 24 hours."

"I'm not driving you to Eat 'N Park."

"Hrmph."

Clearing

Jon has been very gentle with me. He's stepping lightly around me and helping in whatever way he can. He can tell--and understands--that I'm walking around in a fog right now and he will once again be patiently waiting for me to step out from behind it. I thought for sure he'd think I was being melodramatic about what's going on with my job but he doesn't. He's been nothing but encouraging. He's on board to help in any way he can to guide me in making the right decisions--whatever they may be--in these next few months. I couldn't be more grateful for him than I am right now.

After having the last 24 hours to think it over, I've figured out why I'm so shaken by my company closing (beyond the obvious reasons of course) and I'm pretty sure it's because my life is about to change in a very drastic way and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't try harder, I can't go above and beyond goals and deadlines anymore, it's just done. Given my track record, I will most likely never see or speak to a lot of these people again. I won't be able to stand at the back door and stare off into the woods or watch the planes fly overhead. I'll miss the comfort of knowing what I'm doing. My job may have been unnecessarily stressful but I was good at pushing through the stress and getting it done right, simply because I knew I could.

Now I have to find myself a new job, one that fits me and my goals, and then I have to convince that company that I'm worthy, more so than the other dozens of people who think they're equally worthy. A girl without an ego has a tough time selling herself to anyone let alone someone who holds her fate in their hands. I'm just clinging to the fact that I've gotten every job I've interviewed for except one, so I guess I'm more than capable of selling myself even though I don't think I am. The more challenging part is finding something, because after doing just a little poking around on the internet, I'm coming up with absolutely nothing.

When Corporate America falls

It’s not out of the ordinary for me to think today could be the day I’m getting ready for work for nothing. There have been plenty of mornings in these last few months that I’ve thought I was only packing my lunch to turn right around and bring it back home with me, or that I was straightening my hair just to be back home in a couple of hours and climbing back into bed. My company has been on a downward slope for a while now but I've been hesitant to search for another job because I'm a creature of habit and I shy away from change.

This morning was no different than the others. If anything the thoughts of pointlessness were more intensified, because our company meeting was being held at 9:00 instead of 10:30 and there were out of town executives scheduled to attend. At the very least this meant bad news, and at the very worst it meant THE bad news. I packed my lunch and got dressed up for work anyway, because really, how else was I going to know?

At 9:00 on the dot we were all sitting in the meeting room recapping our weekend adventures and laughing. At 9:05 many people in the room had been reduced to tears, others whispered, “Is this really happening?” to no one in particular, and I sat at the back of the room with my jaw dropped out of habit, not so much shock. I’d seen it coming this morning. I think most of us saw it coming, but no matter how much you prepare for it, it’s still a fierce punch to the gut when you hear your company is closing and this will be the last day of employment for most of you.

They counseled us each individually to go more in-depth with the situation and explain severance packages. I am one of the lucky ones. I am 1 of a dozen employees (out of 33) who have been asked to stay until June 30, 2009 to help finish the work we already have and shut the company down. I am not unemployed yet, but I will be in 4 very short months. I’ve already been given all of my paperwork outlining what is expected of me and what I can expect to receive at the very end of this. I’ve never been laid-off before. I’m a little scared and very thankful that I have more than a few hours to figure out how I’ll make my next mortgage payment.

I spent the rest of the day watching two thirds of my co-workers pack their belongings into used and dented cardboard boxes. It felt like I was witness to them all being shot and then drug out one by one. I’ve hugged a lot of them and wished them all the best of luck in everything they do. I’ve listened to some of them break down and wonder where they could possibly go from here, and I heard some of them make plans to paint their houses or take care of their aging parents. I’ve taken phone calls from publishers wondering if what they’ve heard through the grapevine is true and if we’re really closing. I transferred calls as I was instructed, even if meant transferring them to a dead extension. I spent the day going through the motions, saying and doing only what I needed to, and keeping my emotions locked up in the deepest corners of my brain. It’s just too sad to see this company fall.

I don’t know where my road goes from here but I am fortunate to have up to 4 months to map it all out. Like I've been telling everyone else; where there's a will, there's a way, and I have every intention to come out of this almost entirely unscathed.

Emotional eating at its best.

I just fell off the wagon. I'm eating the fucking Twix bar.

Details later.

Triumph. It tastes good.

Our friend Dina and her boyfriend Errington are coming down from Cleveland to visit tonight. We went back and forth a few times about what we wanted to do while they were in Akron and we finally settled on making dinner here. I wanted to do something a little fancier than grilled chicken and vegetables but I've been futzing around all day, finding every conceivable form of procrastination I can to prolong cleaning and grocery shopping and now I don't really have time for anything more extravagant. I should consider myself very lucky that Jon makes the best grilled chicken I've ever had so at least I know the food will be good.

My Triple Dog Dare is finally coming to a close today. Once I hit the Publish button I will have officially written a blog for every day in the first week of March. I'm shocked I was able to follow through with it. And it's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I've always used the excuse that I'm too busy when attempting to talk myself into posting a blog entry but I never realized that I was actually telling the truth. I honestly thought I was just making it up. What I've discovered amidst this week is between the overtime at work, cooking, spending time with Jon and the dogs, keeping up with television shows, and getting to bed early enough to work out the next morning, there really isn't much time left for writing. All week I was pushing something back in the schedule in order to get a post in before midnight and I was always getting to bed way too late for a morning workout to happen. I have to figure out a more solid schedule that will work for me. Something that will give me at least 30 minutes each evening to get the thoughts out of my head and onto the computer screen. I made it work, I enjoyed it, but I can't go another week without working out because I can see the difference in body composition already.

A week ago I didn't want to do this dare at all but I felt it was something I should at least give a try. Today I want to find some way to make it keep going because despite the inconvenience of re-arranging my schedule I had a really good time with Deciphering Kate again. It also feels good to have made a little wiggle room in my head. I was pretty sure my brain was going to blow, scattering mutilated thoughts all over the place, if I didn't get something out soon.

Don't underestimate the little guy

Jon and I thought we'd bested AT&T U-verse when they sent us a flyer in the mail exclaiming that all we had to do was call this number to receive 2 free months of HBO. We'd been down that road before. We knew it require us calling to cancel before the 2 months was up or else they would start charging us for it, and we knew we're both cheap enough to remember to cancel in time. We thought AT&T were the suckers for thinking we'd fall for such a scam when what we'd really walk away with was 2 months of free HBO and that's it.

Wrong!

We're a little over a month into the free service and we're hooked on 2 HBO original series; Entourage and Flight of the Concords. We don't know if we'll have the strength to stop following our favorite new characters by the end of the month.

AT&T might have just suckered us out of $12 a month. They play dirtier than Paul Pierce.