Clearing

Jon has been very gentle with me. He's stepping lightly around me and helping in whatever way he can. He can tell--and understands--that I'm walking around in a fog right now and he will once again be patiently waiting for me to step out from behind it. I thought for sure he'd think I was being melodramatic about what's going on with my job but he doesn't. He's been nothing but encouraging. He's on board to help in any way he can to guide me in making the right decisions--whatever they may be--in these next few months. I couldn't be more grateful for him than I am right now.

After having the last 24 hours to think it over, I've figured out why I'm so shaken by my company closing (beyond the obvious reasons of course) and I'm pretty sure it's because my life is about to change in a very drastic way and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't try harder, I can't go above and beyond goals and deadlines anymore, it's just done. Given my track record, I will most likely never see or speak to a lot of these people again. I won't be able to stand at the back door and stare off into the woods or watch the planes fly overhead. I'll miss the comfort of knowing what I'm doing. My job may have been unnecessarily stressful but I was good at pushing through the stress and getting it done right, simply because I knew I could.

Now I have to find myself a new job, one that fits me and my goals, and then I have to convince that company that I'm worthy, more so than the other dozens of people who think they're equally worthy. A girl without an ego has a tough time selling herself to anyone let alone someone who holds her fate in their hands. I'm just clinging to the fact that I've gotten every job I've interviewed for except one, so I guess I'm more than capable of selling myself even though I don't think I am. The more challenging part is finding something, because after doing just a little poking around on the internet, I'm coming up with absolutely nothing.