Looking Forward

I just finished reading four months of archives (November 2008 - March 2009) and I've come up empty handed on any 2009 New Year Resolutions. Turns out I didn't make any, or if I did, they were never written down. I have to say I was a little surprised at first, but when I started reading through those archives I realized I didn't really need to make any resolutions. In my mind I had already accomplished the inconceivable: I liked myself! And the only reason I ever made resolutions in the first place was to map out a way of coming to terms with who I was by the end of the next year, and hope beyond hope that I liked that person a little better than the person I was when I made the resolutions.

That being said, I couldn't have possibly prepared myself for the multiple speed bumps 2009 had in store for me. I had no way of knowing that I would lose my job, or that I would finally become pregnant, or that I would find a much better job with better people and better pay and a better commute just to live in fear of whether or not they would freak out when I finally admitted I was pregnant. I couldn't have known that I would fly in an airplane or see the lights of Las Vegas for the first time. I never would have guessed I'd come within 40 pounds of my goal weight...even if it was just in time to see it replaced by a 30 pound belly that kicks back whenever I poke it.

2009 has been quite a journey. It has included the highest ups and some the lowest downs of my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

I won't even pretend to know what I can do to better myself in 2010. I can't conceive how different life will be with a baby, but I do know one thing for sure: I want to be the best mommy I can be. I want to be the mother who is madly in love, attentive, interested, and active in her child's life. I can't promise to lose the baby weight, or start saving for college right away, or to keep the house immaculate at all times. All I can do is promise to do my best, and love this little miracle for all he's worth.

Creative Women Have Cobwebs in Their Corners

The first day of December in the year two thousand and nine has found me...

Extremely large, extremely round, and extremely happy.

With a husband who seems genuinely pleased to go out of his way to make everything easier on me.

Madly in love with the tiny baby growing inside of me.

With two very excitable, lovable, and cancer-free dogs.

With my first day as an official, full-time employee since June 30, 2009.

With all of my Christmas gifts bought and wrapped.

With a nursery painted the sweetest of blue and ready for furniture.

Reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and thinking Elizabeth Gilbert and I couldn't be more different, yet so alike.

More content than I've been all year despite it being one of the most hectic months on the calendar.

Very poor financially, but somehow very rich in life.

Shady Practices

Dear Reader's Digest,

As I no longer have to worry about losing my severance payments (seeing as you had prearranged a way to get yourself out of paying it all anyway) I have 2 words for you: Fuck. You. Your company is a joke and I have no doubt you will fail miserably and embarrassingly.

Sincerely,
Kate

Fingers Still Crossed

This morning I went to my third, and hopefully final, interview for a fantastic job opportunity. I'm looking at the fact that I made it to and through three interviews as a good sign. Each call back felt like a small reassurance that, hey, there was something about me they liked and they want to know more.

The first interview was over the phone with Human Resources, the second was with the two department supervisors, and today's interview was with the department head, as well as the general operations manager for that location. Everyone seemed to really like me. They said I should know something by tomorrow afternoon and I'm assuming the something I should know will be whether or not I got the job, because there can't possibly be anyone else left to interview me.

Overall I have to say I have a pretty good feeling about this, but I'm also working very hard at not getting my hopes up just yet. I've only been looking for a month and this job is more than I ever expected to find or have a chance at so I'm feeling a little apprehensive and can't help but hover over the jar of optimism and threaten to force the lid back on should I start feeling too confident. Okay, you're right, a part of me is bracing for bad news, but an even bigger part of me can't wait to hear the news, whatever it is.

Anyway, all of the interviews went great. I gave it everything I had and I genuinely feel I am more than qualified for the position so if I don't get it, I can feel confident in knowing someone else really was more qualified. I can't feel sorry for myself or worry that there was something more I should have done or something I could have done differently. I did the very best I could and all I can do is be proud of that.

Update 4:56 PM: Turns out I was so likable that I didn't have to wait until tomorrow afternoon to hear something. I am officially employed again!!

July, July

So, I guess this is the last day in July. What I thought would be a week off of work has finally turned into a month and possibly more, but I can't really complain. I spent most of this month wondering how people manage to work through their first trimester, pulling their tired ass out of bed after a long night of strange dreams, feeling as though the very minimal contents left in their stomach overnight are determined to make their way back up, and as if that wasn't hard enough, you still have to manage to get through the rest of the day without crying for pretty much no other reason than you just feel like it. How does one hide all this? How does one pretend it's not happening and live life normally?

Perhaps I would feel differently if I had a job on the line. Maybe it's having that distraction of work that would make all the difference for me. Maybe it's all in my head. Who knows?

Anyway, 31 days after being laid-off I have my first interview with a company on Monday. It's through the temp agency, of course, so I'm interviewing to be hired on as a temporary employee, but at least it's something, right? It's also a phone interview, so I don't have to worry about squeezing into the $7 dress slacks, only that I can locate the room in the house that provides the best signal to my cell phone. How embarrassing would that be to drop a call, or repeatedly ask, "What did you say?" during an interview.

July has been a long, exciting, and tiring month, and I can only hope that August will bring a little more peace into our lives. Wasn't I saying the same thing at the end of June? Sometimes it seems as though no matter where I am, the chaos always finds me.

That Would Be "WOOT" in Gamer Talk

5 positions. She had 5 open positions to forward my resume to the employers. They all sounded like an excellent match AND they were all within 25 minutes of my house, 2 were even closer. I could be jinxing myself, or getting my hopes up for nothing, but I'm pretty sure I'll have a job soon.

Test scores came back excellent. Scored advanced placement on both Microsoft Word and Excel. Typing was 50 words per minute with 99% accuracy. Not too shabby.

The only negative thing I can take away from this morning is this: remember those fantastically cheap yet practical dress slacks I purchased earlier this month? Well, I literally had to stuff myself into them this morning, and I won't be able to do so much longer, next week may even be pushing it. I wish I could blame it all on the baby, but alas, I think Frito-Lay is the number one culprit.

Substitutions

Last Thursday I received an email from the staffing agency I've been working with. The email began with the premise of bad news and good news. The bad news was the job I'd been very excited for did not want to interview with me, but the good news was the agency had another position they thought I would be very interested in. The description of said position went a little something like this: Individual will drive company vehicle through eastern Ohio and western Pennsylvania to deliver packages to clients. Individual must be able to lift 40 to 50 pounds to get packages in and out of truck. Hours would be Noon - 9pm and must be able to work last minute OT and weekends if needed. The position paid 2 dollars an hour less than what I've been asking and included a 40 minute commute to the main offices.

The email came through on my Blackberry just as I was getting into my car to meet Jon for dinner. I was so dumbfounded by how someone could confuse my office/customer service background with a position like this that I couldn't remember how to start the car for the a few minutes. It almost felt like a joke. First, nonchalantly telling me that the only remotely promising opportunity they've had for me in 3 weeks was a bust, then offering me something that was the complete opposite of what I've repeatedly described to them as an acceptable position for me, and lastly, fooling themselves into thinking I would actually be interested?

I'd been doubting this particular company for a while but this was really the icing on the cake. They either weren't being honest about the opportunities they had available or they were stringing me along as some sort of experiment, waiting to see just how long I'd be dumb enough to fall for their shenanigans.

I wasn't sure how you go about firing someone when not a penny had exchanged hands either way, and believe me, it was so tempting to reply right then and there with a simple email screaming, "You're Fired!" or "I'm sorry, but you must have sent this to the wrong person. I wouldn't be interested in this position in a million years," but I bit my tongue. I spent the rest of the evening trying to decide how to handle the situation, and I finally settled on saying nothing to them for now. If they are annoyed by my silence, too bad, do I really expect them to find something for me anyway? What I did do was sign up with another staffing agency, one that specializes in placing people with my particular skills. They are obviously well known as they have been recommended to me by multiple family members and friends as well as having their name and positions plastered all over job boards with temporary positions. The kicker is that after signing up on their website I performed a job search and found a dozen positions that would work for me, as opposed to the agency I've been working with whose job searches always came back with the dreaded "No search results found."

The new company I applied to called me back today, less than 24 business hours later, sounding extremely excited to have me come in for an interview and testing tomorrow morning. The representative even eluded to having a couple of current openings, in my area, that would be a perfect fit according to the application I filled out.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed once again, but one thing I know for sure is that this is a move I should have made weeks ago, and I feel so much better now that I have.

Your Salami Stinks

I've been waiting for something better, something a little more positive to write about, instead of constantly complaining about how badly the world smells (most notably fabric softener, dog breath, and salami), how the only foods I ever want to eat are Nacho Cheese Doritos and Chicken McNuggets, and how often I want to cry simply because my husband looked at me strangely. Life is not easy right now, and that's not even taking into account the fact that I am looking for a job in a very depressing and limiting market.

On the bright side, the nausea has mostly subsided and only rears its ugly head once or twice a day when I haven't eaten enough or maybe eaten too much. I walk a very thin line with food, but as long as I don't veer too far left or right I generally have it under control. The fatigue is also letting up, which is nice, and leaves more time in the day to waste away on the time stuck that is all things internet.

Jon accused me of depending on him too much lately. He said I waste my day away watching television, using the internet, and doing anything else to space out until he can come home from work and rescue me from my own boredom. I was so incredibly insulted when he said this to me that I didn't even look at him for hours, but the truth is, he's right. I don't know what to do with myself during the day. There's only so much job searching you can do. There's only so much housework you can do, although I really could do more if my attention span would last longer than 10 minutes.

I don't know if it's the pregnancy or the depression or the anxiety or sheer boredom that has me feeling like a maniac in slow-motion, but I want it to stop. Today.

Living Nightmare

If you had told me as little as 24 hours ago that I could be in my old office building, sitting in my old cubicle, working on my old computer and doing it as soon as today, I would have laughed hysterically and then rudely spit on your favorite shoes, because I would never, in a million years, let that company take any more of me than it already has. Alas, it appears I would have been horribly mistaken as my confident demeanor would have stepped aside as soon as the last remaining sister company still residing in that building called in for my help. I buckled and I agreed to come in for only a couple of days to help get the company out of a backlog.

I honestly can't even say what made me do it. It's not the money, 2 or 3 days will hardly be worth it. It's not that I feel obligated, they sucked me dry and were now coming back to beg for more. If I had to guess, I'd say it was Jon and his convincing argument about why I needed to get out of this house, away from this computer and every job search engine known to man, before I drove myself completely insane. He also played the value card by convincing me that I must be even more valuable than we thought if a company that knew me, but I never worked for, was desperately seeking my help. He tried to get me to imagine how awesome that would sound to a prospective employer when mentioned in an interview. I, on the other hand, pointed out that it may sound great in an interview, but it's pretty useless when prospective employers don't call you back for an interview in the first place. He acted like this was hogwash and so I went to work today.

It was odd, very, very odd to be there. I'd left almost 3 weeks ago with a little skip in my step and I was perfectly prepared, even excited, to never see that building again. Yet here I was in eerily similar, but blank and alien surroundings trying to be productive while voices of co-workers past lurked in the dark, humid, and silent call center.

It was not a particularly hard day, just...odd. And you have my word that after this short, little stint I will never agree to this again. It is beyond time for me to move on with my life and I can't do it until that place is my past, not my today.

In other news, the temporary agency finally contacted me with a very promising position. It is nearly perfect in every way--close to home, temp to hire, well known and trusted company, something I'd be good at, and the pay is not too shabby. It's going to require a bit of song and dance on both my and the agency's part in order to get me in there but I'm up for the challenge and I think they're tired of trying to please me and my "impossible" job requirements. Please keep your fingers crossed as its pertinent that I find something soon, before companies can begin illegally discriminating against my soon-to-be round belly.

Clarity, At Last

I have to say I'm pretty impressed with myself today. My first day without a job and I've been very proactive.

I woke up early this morning to get ready for a 10:00 appointment with the staffing agency. They had quite a bit more paperwork for me to fill out, videos for me to watch, and questions for me to answer. It all went pretty well, though. I was a nervous wreck before hand, but once they gave me my test scores I realized I've been very hard on myself these last few months, feeling very incompetent and unworthy of employment, but those scores were, well, impressive. And when I asked if they recommend any tweaks or adjustments to my resume, they said it actually looked great just as it was. The whole experience was eye-opening, and I could finally see that I really do have what people are looking for, it's just unfortunate that not many people are looking right now. We'll see how it goes and what comes of it. They couldn't give me a firm time line of when something will be available, of course, but my whole reasoning behind going to a staffing agency was simply to get my foot in the door somewhere. My skills and work ethic can take me from there.

Other than crossing the t's and dotting the i's with the staffing agency, I've also started my claim for unemployment. I'm not exactly sure how it's going to work given my very generous severance package, but that's why I called it in instead of filing online so the unemployment office would be aware of my situation. And even though it was frustrating to be on the phone for over an hour, I figured this way I won't find myself in debt up to my eyeballs because they paid me too much or in prison because they think I tried to screw the system. They'll be sending me more paperwork to fill out and some specifically regarding my severance pay which is a relief to me, because it's this particular phone call that has been boggling my mind for a while now. For some reason filing for unemployment looked like a gigantic mountain lurking off in the distance and I wasn't sure if I could climb it. Once I got started though, I realized it was only a small foothill.

I've also found quite a few more jobs to apply for. I'm keeping my options open, but what I would really like to do is be an office assistant. I'm definitely open to more customer service--I'm really good at it--but I enjoy the clerical aspect of the office more. I like spreadsheets and fax machines and daily reports and keeping things tidy. I would love to do all of these things for a small, locally-owned company. These positions seem to be few and far between, but they are ideal for me.

And last but not least, I have my new pitch, so listen up all you employers: I, Kate, am a very valuable employee. So valuable that I was part of only 20% of my company that was asked to stay an extra 4 months to help close the company. I am so dedicated, competent, and good at what I do that I was 1 of only 2 non-management positions given the opportunity to continue working.

That really says a lot, doesn't it? Those 4 months were so nerve-wracking and wild that I was unable to see what staying behind said about me--as a worker, as a person--until I was finally outside of the situation.

Adiós, World Almanac

Cartoon courtesy of Reader's Digest, March 2009 issue.

Repairing and Preparing My Psyche

I’ve been using my frustration from work as means to push my workouts to a new level. In the last two weeks I’ve started doing my routine in the evenings after work when the stress is at its worst, and I’ve been pushing myself as hard and as fast as I can. There’s something about that moment, when it’s finally over and my clothes are drenched in sweat, my heart is pounding, and my legs can barely carry me that I can think clearly and remember that there is more to life than what’s going on with my employment. There are bigger, better, and more permanent things that complete me, and I shouldn’t feel as though my life revolves around unhappy customers, disgruntled co-workers, and a never-ending job search.

Things have slowed to a crawl at work, which is a welcome change from having to hit the ground running while blindfolded like we’ve been doing for the last 2+ months. The only problem is that the little work we do have quite often revolves around borderline abusive customers who have no one to blame but themselves for waiting so long that there isn’t much I can do for them. I never mentioned it, but a few weeks ago, I had one man who, while screaming at the top of his lungs, told me I needed to go back to school to get my degree in Law, because what I, personally, was doing to him (offering to fax a copy of the order we received to show that he did, in fact, receive what he ordered) could be considered illegal. Then he proceeded to insult my intelligence and question my ability to do my job when I admitted that I needed my manager’s approval to bend company policy. He wouldn’t stop accusing me of playing games with him. Whatever, dude.

But I digress.

This time next week I will finally be finished here. I will be finished “playing games”. I will be embarking on a week long vacation at home to recover from the outrageous insanity of the last 4 months. After the rest and relaxation I will finish up interviews with temporary employment agencies and finally have a decent amount of time dedicated solely to looking for a new job.

I have no disillusionment. I know it needs to be done quickly, but I’ve done everything humanly possible to prepare for what could be a very rough road ahead of me, and I can’t let myself be consumed by the enormous mountain of what ifs. I have severance. I have savings. I have my network moving at full-force, and I have a very solid resume. I’ve read every article on job-hunting I can find, and I’ve followed every helpful tip. I’m prepared for this, despite my emotions going haywire, as if they don’t know whether to jump for joy or bury themselves in a stiff drink. But I’m pretty confident that everything is going to be okay, because anything has got be better than the right here, right now.

Free books heal all wounds

Last week we were given the go-ahead to pillage the company library where we store all of our sample books. I for one had been jumping at the chance to snag all of the titles I wanted but most of my co-workers weren't as openly excited as I was. That's why I didn't feel guilty for taking so many books that I had to make half a dozen trips to my car in order to take them all home with me.





I started by focusing on everything we had regarding nutrition and when I was pretty sure I had it all, I moved on to the Printz Award books and other attractive YA literature. By luck I found almost the entire Chronicles of Narnia set, and all of the Series of Unfortunate Events. You can't see it from the photos but I even snatched the I Spy books. They are near and dear to my heart because reading riddles and searching for tiny clothes pins hidden amongst the pages is a favorite past time with my mom.

There are 86 books in all. Some of them were practical choices, and others were spur of the moment Oh. My. God. Free. Books! selections. They've taken up permanent residence on my dining room table.

Should I find enough time in my life to actually read all of them I shall have enough knowledge in my little brain to become a Diet and Fitness Guru, Career Counselor, Financial Advisor, History Buff, Children's Librarian, and a Literary Genius. So, really, I should look at them as required reading, because I'm bound to find my next career in there somewhere.

Uh oh, she's at it again

Dear Sad Self,

Your weakness sickens me. Your fear of change and what you are letting it do to you is giving me dry heaves. I get that your life is about to change forever and you have no say in it, but don't you think you could suck it up and do the right thing? No, of course not. That's why I've created a small list of demands I expect to go into effect immediately, if not for your sanity, then for mine. Please keep in mind that I could have started by banging your head against the wall, but for some weird reason I care about you, so I'm being civil for now.

1) Get off the fucking couch and start working out again. It takes 3 weeks to create a habit, but it only took you 3 days to break it. Embarrassing. Do you remember what happened last May when you started working out everyday? That's right! You were suddenly happy. You were more optimistic than you had ever been and you hadn't even lost a pound. So why on earth, when you're feeling depressed again and could use a little optimism, do you feel it's okay to stop releasing those feel-good endorphins? Suck it up and start moving. I'm tired of watching you blow off the fastest route to a so desperately needed attitude adjustment.

2) Stop trying to drown your stress in caffeine and chocolate! Sure, your doctor said those heart palpitations were harmless, but he also said they were caused by mixing--drum roll please--stress, caffeine and chocolate. You've gone well over a year without experiencing a single irregular heart beat and yet the last 2 nights you woke up in a cold sweat with a heart that was beating so fast you could see and feel it popping out of your chest. I don't care if they're harmless, they aren't healthy, and they are entirely preventable. You have to understand that you aren't going to find happiness in a bottle of Diet Coke and a bag of peanut M&Ms.

3) Understand that I--and everyone else in your life--loves you, and we will do everything we can to get you through this confusing time, but you have to make the final decision to let us help you. Don't make it so that we're talking until we're blue in the face and you still let yourself get swallowed up in doom. I'll tell you what, let's start easy. How about you stop worrying about losing the house, or about all of the things you have to do to put it up on the market before you've submitted a single application? Do you think that's asking too much? I don't, because I don't see the sense in letting go of anything without a fight. So, fight for it, and if we lose then we at least lose trying.

And there you have it. I've said my two cents. It's up to you to decide if you want to take it and fly or if you still want to crawl into that black hole you keep eyeing and wither away.

(Regretfully) yours,
Sensible Self

Wake up call

The latest issue of Reader's Digest was sitting out on one of the break room tables this morning. The cover story boasted "Best New Jobs: The guide you need now". It was a little off-putting to see it sitting there, abandoned on purpose, as if someone thought I needed to find a new job. Well, obviously I do, but it's so strange to have it being advertised every where in my place of business. I took the magazine back to my desk, flipped to page 98, and started skimming the article.

The opening paragraph was harsh. It recapped the unemployment percentages and the snowballing economy. People who lose their jobs have to spend less, and spending less results in more lay-offs, yada, yada, yada. But it was all good, because Reader's Digest had come to the rescue, providing the answers to finding the steady job of your dreams, and they were hidden somewhere in that 16 page article.

I'd like to say I read all 16 pages but I didn't. Actually, I only made it to page 4 where I discovered a little illustration of a very sad looking girl who was carrying a beat-up box of personal items, and scrawled on the beat-up box of personal items in sloppy, all caps were the letters K-A-T-I-E. She was a cartoon, and much skinnier than me, with a short bob haircut, but none of that mattered. It mattered that I felt like I was looking into my future if I didn't get my ass in gear and begin work on my resume or at least figuring out where I go from here. I know me and I know that given the choice I will let myself despair just enough to ignore that my company is closing and then I'll shove the thought into the back of my mind for the next 3 months. Before I know it I'll be walking out of the office building for the last time with only a few weeks severance and the same worrisome expression as the girl in the illustration.

I hate that I give up easily, especially when I give up before I've even tried, but I can see this and feel this becoming one of those situations already. And of all things, this cannot become one of those situations. I hope now that I've recognized it I'll do everything I can to prevent it.

The first step is admitting your defeat

There are only 2 things on the agenda for today: stopping at Chipotle for dinner, and breaking the news of my pending unemployment to my parents.

Weird and unexciting. I know.

I manage to get through the meatless Fridays of Lent on fruits, vegetables, and grains all right, but only if I know Chipotle's delectable guacamole is waiting at the finish line for me. I'm pretty sure they put crack in it.

As for breaking the news to my parents...you're surprised I haven't told them yet, aren't you? The truth is no one in my family knows except Jon and I. My family doesn't read this blog (not because I've kept it a secret, they just haven't figured out how to click on a link yet) and I haven't attempted to get in touch with anyone. I haven't been ready to talk about it, and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready now, but I figure I might as well get it out of the way. I also think I can only benefit from the addition of 7 plus sets of eyes and ears on the lookout for another job opportunity for me.

And it's not that I'm afraid of what they will say. Our family is so large that we're only that much more familiar with lay-offs and filing for unemployment. I hope to not reach that point, but if it comes down to filing for unemployment, I know I'll have at least 4 immediate family members who can tell me exactly what to do and what to look out for.

More than anything, I haven't come to terms with the shock yet. A part of me is still waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop out from behind the fax machine, laughing at me because I've been Punk'd. A part of me is waiting for our parent company to send out the memo explaining how they've made a terrible mistake and we should call everyone back immediately. But the better part of me knows neither of these things will happen and that I'd better start getting my ducks in a row now. So, I'm starting by telling my parents, but only after a trip to guacamole heaven.

Here's to working in my pajamas!

Today can be summed up to the first thing I noticed when I walked into my cubicle this morning: a box of my personal items had been thrown away. I'd started packing it Monday after they announced the company would be closing, but before I knew whether I was staying or going. I'd grabbed a box and started putting various things I'd purchased in to it like my thumb tacks, plastic filing racks, and a blue miniature Ohio license plate that said "KATIE" which I'd had hanging on my overheard cabinet for the last five years. After I found out that I'd be staying on with the company for a few more months, I just shoved the box under my desk, figuring I'd get back to packing sometime in the near future. But apparently I put it a little too close to the trash bin I keep stashed under my desk, because this morning I walked in to find the plastic filing racks sitting on top of my desk and an empty box sitting next to the trash bin underneath. The cleaning service cleaned me out of my personal effects. Oh well, I never really noticed that license plate anyway.

I finally know what it's like to be too busy to eat. We've gone from a department of 8 people to a group of 3 who are trying to handle the same work flow as we had last week. Each day my head is spinning in about 25 thousand different directions and everything is a priority but there's too much to do in one day. I'm not used to this. I'm used to having a very particular schedule that I follow. I'm used to setting morning deadlines and afternoon deadlines for myself so that I know everything will be done before I leave the building at 5:00. I'm used to scheduled breaks in which I eat my scheduled snacks but every day my snack has sat uneaten next to me because I'm too afraid to take a bite of an apple when the phone is ringing almost the moment I hang it up. I know I'll get used to this eventually. I have to find my rhythm and create new schedules but it is just so freaking hectic that I can't figure it out right now.

I'm thanking my lucky stars that tomorrow is my second shutdown day. I won't be getting paid, but I won't have to be at work!

On the bright side, my head is emerging from the fog just enough to pick out the good things this inevitable job loss will mean:

1. No commute. I don't care if it means I'm flipping burgers at McDonald's for a year until I can find something better in Summit County, but I will never again accept a position that has me driving an hour to and from work.

2. I will be happy eventually. I hadn't been happy at work for a very long time--probably close to 2 years--and it had only been getting progressively worse with each month (or week, or day...) that passed. I would come home from work and Jon would ask how my day was and I'd say it was the same as it always was--it sucked. I don't want to spend the rest of my working career at a job that does nothing for me but suck.

3. Branching out. I've been working with books for the last 11 years and here's my chance--and excuse--to try something different. Granted, I'm going to have some pretty slim picking, but I'll manage. I've also got some great ideas that with the right amount of research, determination, and skill I'll be able to love the job I do.

Clearing

Jon has been very gentle with me. He's stepping lightly around me and helping in whatever way he can. He can tell--and understands--that I'm walking around in a fog right now and he will once again be patiently waiting for me to step out from behind it. I thought for sure he'd think I was being melodramatic about what's going on with my job but he doesn't. He's been nothing but encouraging. He's on board to help in any way he can to guide me in making the right decisions--whatever they may be--in these next few months. I couldn't be more grateful for him than I am right now.

After having the last 24 hours to think it over, I've figured out why I'm so shaken by my company closing (beyond the obvious reasons of course) and I'm pretty sure it's because my life is about to change in a very drastic way and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't try harder, I can't go above and beyond goals and deadlines anymore, it's just done. Given my track record, I will most likely never see or speak to a lot of these people again. I won't be able to stand at the back door and stare off into the woods or watch the planes fly overhead. I'll miss the comfort of knowing what I'm doing. My job may have been unnecessarily stressful but I was good at pushing through the stress and getting it done right, simply because I knew I could.

Now I have to find myself a new job, one that fits me and my goals, and then I have to convince that company that I'm worthy, more so than the other dozens of people who think they're equally worthy. A girl without an ego has a tough time selling herself to anyone let alone someone who holds her fate in their hands. I'm just clinging to the fact that I've gotten every job I've interviewed for except one, so I guess I'm more than capable of selling myself even though I don't think I am. The more challenging part is finding something, because after doing just a little poking around on the internet, I'm coming up with absolutely nothing.

When Corporate America falls

It’s not out of the ordinary for me to think today could be the day I’m getting ready for work for nothing. There have been plenty of mornings in these last few months that I’ve thought I was only packing my lunch to turn right around and bring it back home with me, or that I was straightening my hair just to be back home in a couple of hours and climbing back into bed. My company has been on a downward slope for a while now but I've been hesitant to search for another job because I'm a creature of habit and I shy away from change.

This morning was no different than the others. If anything the thoughts of pointlessness were more intensified, because our company meeting was being held at 9:00 instead of 10:30 and there were out of town executives scheduled to attend. At the very least this meant bad news, and at the very worst it meant THE bad news. I packed my lunch and got dressed up for work anyway, because really, how else was I going to know?

At 9:00 on the dot we were all sitting in the meeting room recapping our weekend adventures and laughing. At 9:05 many people in the room had been reduced to tears, others whispered, “Is this really happening?” to no one in particular, and I sat at the back of the room with my jaw dropped out of habit, not so much shock. I’d seen it coming this morning. I think most of us saw it coming, but no matter how much you prepare for it, it’s still a fierce punch to the gut when you hear your company is closing and this will be the last day of employment for most of you.

They counseled us each individually to go more in-depth with the situation and explain severance packages. I am one of the lucky ones. I am 1 of a dozen employees (out of 33) who have been asked to stay until June 30, 2009 to help finish the work we already have and shut the company down. I am not unemployed yet, but I will be in 4 very short months. I’ve already been given all of my paperwork outlining what is expected of me and what I can expect to receive at the very end of this. I’ve never been laid-off before. I’m a little scared and very thankful that I have more than a few hours to figure out how I’ll make my next mortgage payment.

I spent the rest of the day watching two thirds of my co-workers pack their belongings into used and dented cardboard boxes. It felt like I was witness to them all being shot and then drug out one by one. I’ve hugged a lot of them and wished them all the best of luck in everything they do. I’ve listened to some of them break down and wonder where they could possibly go from here, and I heard some of them make plans to paint their houses or take care of their aging parents. I’ve taken phone calls from publishers wondering if what they’ve heard through the grapevine is true and if we’re really closing. I transferred calls as I was instructed, even if meant transferring them to a dead extension. I spent the day going through the motions, saying and doing only what I needed to, and keeping my emotions locked up in the deepest corners of my brain. It’s just too sad to see this company fall.

I don’t know where my road goes from here but I am fortunate to have up to 4 months to map it all out. Like I've been telling everyone else; where there's a will, there's a way, and I have every intention to come out of this almost entirely unscathed.